Visiting Bee

So, this time nothing did interfere.

I did not tempt fate and did not go with my brother's bicycle, just to avoid having another pedal breaking off.
But the sky looked as if it would rain soon. Again some interference?

In the 6th hour physics. Having to pass Ch's classroom. Fortunately she is not outside. Done.
After the end of classes as quick as possible out. But shortly before me she turns into the stream of other pupils leaving school. I slow down. She does not look back, does not notice me. I walk very slowly, and I succeed in not getting seen by her.

Down to the bicycle cellar, getting the bicycle, up and gone. But there ahead are Bee and St. I am too fast, slow down, turn away, make a detour. This should give Bee enough time to get home.

We will see. I am determined to visit Bee today, and nothing can deter me this time. Stopping at the railway crossing for a train. Oh, there is Ch walking! I should have turned into another side street... I look straight ahead, pretend not to notice her. Should she see me and call for me, then I will tell her that I am on the way to the bicycle store to get my pedal fixed.

Now I am at the bottom of the steep hill. I cycle a bit, then push the bicycle. It is very warm and humid.

The garage is open, her bicycle is not yet in it.
I ring the door bell, her mother opens, lets me in. Gives me an orange juice and a pile of Geo magazines. I am sweating from that steep hill. Slowly I calm down. Then Bee comes. Smalltalk. She seems happy. I am invited for lunch. Small arguments between her and her mother, I stay out of it. Is slightly embarrassing for me. I finish my orange juice, then I go, do not want to keep them from eating.

Bee seems to be annoyed because of her mother. I do not know really what to do. Am getting annoyed too. On the way home even more so. What had I actually planned to do?

Feeling good

In the last 2 weeks after the holidays a decisive important change has occurred: the noticeable external renunciation from Ch.

I am hiding during the breaks, avoid any contact with her and let her feel it that way. When I happen to meet her then, I am of course very friendly. Not a bad word, no angry face. Bur she will feel it.

I do not have a bad conscience. I am calm, do this all with an incomprehensible naturalness.

On Sunday I got unexpected boost. After the morning worship service, how she pressed my hand, how she looked at me... there I know it. It was all clear.
On Monday I visited her. Just like that. For plain talking, small talk. About her holiday, future professions, etc. A quite normal chat.
Of course still did not feel that well, this is understandable, after all what had happened.

A brief innuendo to our ski holiday, an embarrassed laughter, then away from that topic. The big talk will still come. Or not. Maybe I again will fail, like in January. Tomorrow I will visit her again. Just like that!

Relieved

The optimal solution has occurred.

So:
Ch joined, and Bee and St stayed at home. Well done, right?

Well, was ok, at least I could not do anything wrong.
But for me it is clear: everything is still open.

I am now a tumbler. Nothing will make me deviate from my goal.




And so I was able to enjoy the Mozartfest 1981. Not as I had hoped for, but I decided to play along and at least be a good company to Ch.
And I did enjoy the music. Is now for the third time that I had this opportunity to go to this open air concert with my friends. And this time it will be the last time. Next year around this time I will be already out of school. So no more Mozartfest, probably for a few years.

Challenging situation

It is a challenge.
A challenge of god to myself, if I am strong enough , if I am ready to sacrifice something.
Because everything runs counter to my efforts.

The weather is good (unfortunately). Means we are going.

Only a few will be there with us.
Ch has received the card I sent. (unfortunately)
St does not drive with his car, means we all fit into the VW bus. Means under one roof together with Ch and Bee. That cannot be good (unfortunately).

So what shall I do?
If I only knew...
I will talk with Bee, about her holiday.
Will try to sit next to Bee.

BTW, also the VW bus is new. The old one had a damage in the transmission.
New, like so many things... The old only remains in memory.
The tortures in it...

I am afraid of tonight. I do not yet know how my challenge will be. I do not know how I shall behave.

I love you Bee. And with this in mind I will act.

Dilemma

Since 1/2 hour I am angry.
Ch called me. She wants to go to the Mozart festival tomorrow.
Now I am again in a dilemma. But I have the power to correct everything.

I could just go with the first group. Could avoid meeting her then later.
And her again I have to make a decision, like 1-2 year ago: the choice between two humans.
The choice which human I am going to make unhappy.
I guess this time it will hit Ch.

A new direction

I am completely calm.
I think I am balanced now.

I love her, and I am glad.
Will have to work hard, to make it good.
Am doubting the doubts about god;

Continuously I do have Janacek's string quartet #2 in my mind. Is at this point my favorite music.

Let's see.

BTW, I gave her a little stone yesterday. Rose quartz.

Made a mistake?

Today...
now I did have done something wrong.
I did not write her a card and was happy with that, happy that I have been separated myself from her so well.

I do not understand anything anymore. Maybe there is god? Did he listen to my crying yesterday and my desperation?

How did I make up my mind, when I considered my actions in the past?
Better use chances, better be alert, just act smart...

Today was a day.
In the morning I was frustrated. Got only 5 of 15 points in Religion. And then Uta asked in front of the whole class outrageously, if I had a girl friend.
I smiled cool. Externally.
But internally I was a volcano. And all that because of Ch!
She was it with whom I had been sitting outside, with whom I had talked...
but thank god I only saw her very briefly yesterday. She thanked for the card, then done.
Today I avoided any contact with her, I always avoided meeting her. Good. With a slightly bad conscience.

In history today 13 of 15 points. Good, makes me forget the the 5 points earlier.
And then in sports - 15 points, with a superhuman effort. And then again 9-10 points. Madness.

But the happiest, most embarrassing, most terrible... I got a card form Bee!
I jumped to the ceiling out of shame. And I had written none, out of spite. What will I do now?

You will see!

In the middle

Here, with this entry, the center of the book, the turning point, has been reached.
Because here half a year has passed, when you turn the book 180 deg (see other page, which corresponds to the time at the ski holiday).

Yesterday I read all my entries from the past half year. For the first time. I was moved.
So much life, captures in a partially unreadable handwriting. Just phantastic.

Here my nihilistic view of the world is confirmed: god does nothing. Maybe he does exist, but he lets everything happen.

Yesterday we returned from the brief holiday. Quite nice, just like here. Tourism.
But a beautiful forest. I did write Bee no card. To St and Ch I write a card. Again a step away.

In recent days I was terribly unhappy. Maybe a low of the biorhythm?
I believe I still love her.
That would be a new record.
Last year it was only 5 months!

I am really happy that I have not seen Ch during the whole holidays. Her Easter present had dried up, MA threw it out.
Good.

Because all the world is so bad to me, I have decided to be bad as well. I will trat all humans badly, will be unjust, mad. Exactly!

Only the past...

I am hanging in the past.
The whole time recently I have thought about December 1980.
The happiest time of my life so far: 8 Dec - 12 Dec. Only buoyancy, increase.

To live in the past is the best. The past we have in our hands.
We can manipulate it, change it, whitewash it. It always was better than the present.

The present is cruel, not at all according to our wishes and imaginations.

The future is not in our hand. Only the past offers the possibility of reflection.
"unshaved mandarin shavings"
Oh no, not again!

An upcoming break

9 Dec. "well, there he is!"
Joy, during the break, they are happy to see me, to talk to me.

what about all this stupid rethinking of the past?
It is pointless. The future is ahead of me!
Fortunately now in the next 2 weeks of holiday I will not see Ch. I cannot stand those torturous minutes anymore.
I am not seeing anyone for the whole 2 weeks.
Simply just gone.

6 months ago

1/2 year ago, exactly 6 months.
Now in June the weekdays fall onto the same numbers as back in December!
Beginning of December...still completely all about stupidity, piano playing, Bartok, parents' evening, not-yet-knowing-where-to,
On Sunday, 7 December, there was the great becoming aware of what the coming ski holiday would mean, fear, pain, desperation, without any way out.
then on Monday, the inner conflict was very large. In the 6th hour there was physics. friction coefficient, on ice, slippy concrete, paving stones. Calculate the corresponding friction force!
On the heating radiator which has now been torn down.
That week was serious!
8 Dec, 9 Dec, 10 Dec.

The new construction, a last time R, short desperation, I do not know what is happening, we are moving away,
"I have to show you something, just come with me"
heatinc cellar, but mechanics are inside!
Funny, fast moving on, going through the whole newly built track. Eating egg bread. Shaken egg, funny, hilarious, laughter, liberating, "you HAVE to come with us to the ski holiday!"
"you are so funny" "you will tutor us there"

Well, yes, everything gone, only sentimental memories remain.
This my writing in this book only shows the inner impressions so incomplete, that it must not be considered as a source for my youth. For that it is too biased...

Thursday, 11 Dec. urgent pressing "you HAVE to come with us, we will force you"

I am finally happy.
Not on the path I had originally chosen (R), but in general.
With large overcoming of my inner hurdles I start to convince my parents. I succeed with very little effort. Hoorray! I will go to the ski holiday! I am allowed to joint htem. I amk so happy.

In a big rush everything is being arranged last minute.

Friday, 12 Dec. I tell them that I am joining them. Happy, joyful, cheerful.

... a dark veil lies between the past and the present.

Memories...

Recently I often have memories of that past winter holiday in my mind. What was that then actually?
A taste of sparkling wine, of punch.
Joy, bitterness, desperation, love, snow, cold, sun, ski, songs, coziness, restlessness, tears, in vain.
Nihilism, chocolate, pictures, all of that is that winter holiday; and still a bit more.
strange looks, variability, sudden change, playing games, cereal, the picture of the passion of Christ, the Jesus mosaic, the breaking away from god, the cemetery, the night, the desperate outbreak of tears, crying, sobbing.

Consolation, all that.
Changing into ski clothes, the two ski pants, the heating room for drying, the classes, the toilet, loneliness.

The skiing area: lonely hills, wide slopes, alone, loneliness, all that.

A, hatred, consuming hatred, indifference.
Tutoring, gummi bears, all that,
cut finger, with band aid from H, rented skis, afraid of having to return them.
day tickets for the ski area, a hurt behind from falling down, snow storm, lots of snow, all that;

gone, past, history, era, caesura, and now?

one-sided love; i cannot stand it anymore, it progresses unstoppably on, even though I hold back as much as possible. I do not do anything!
Love on my side? A little, of course one-sided.
But I do not understand anything anymore.

Why has May 2nd not brought a change? At noon everything had been still fine... but in the evening nothing...

Hopefully I am terminally ill, then I will be very glad when they cry! I imagine their desperate faces, how they ask themselves "what have I done wrong?"

But I am being loved! That is the problem.
If I would be "free", I could play "chauvi", would never fall in love, would flirt with every girl.
Yes, yes, that is how things are now. I still have that sting in my chest. But unfortunately it is nothing lethal. Really a pity!

Loving-in-vain

Just now it was terrible.
Ch is in love with me.
She told me about her problems with her parents
We were often together.

That stupid little guy asked me the question "Is Ch now your new sweetheart?"
Stupid, I am angry as hell. Not only by the overall content (I know that I do not love her), but also by the insinuation of "new". I must look like a fool to anyone else...

Conclusion:
Love-in-vain is not only terrible for the loving person, but also for the loved person.
Remember this for the future!

Change is everywhere

Yesterday I had a strange feeling. I did feel thankful, just thankful for the beautiful weather, which was just right for taking pictures. Thankful that we had not to go into worship service. Lots of little things.

I do not know whom to thank.
With god I have broken.
But whom else? I do not know.

In this moment I do not know how I feel.
Nothing happened.
Everything ok.
And still I do have an uneasy feeling.

Everything is changing.
The house at the corner down the road had been without plaster for ages, since I can think back. Now it is getting plastered. This complete an era, the era of my youth.
At school there is construction, the radiators are gone, the ones on which we sat when I was "tutoring".

The construction in the read of the school buildings is gone, where we had laughed. Well, this was transitory in principle.

Everything is changing.
Also the people.

Some thoughts

In recent weeks, in comparison to earlier (1/2 year ago) I have written down very little.
I did not feel like it. Did not know what I should write. But now I believe that it is time to summarize:

I have changed.
Am actually only a wrack, in many accidents damaged and mutilated.
But I am still alive.

My view of the world has changed.
I can live without god.
He does not mean anything for me anymore.
I have realized some things, for example that an average person needs the belief in supernatural being!
Only then one is balanced.

I am not balanced, am easily thrown back and forth. In former times I was a rock, I was resting in myself, selfcontent.
All that is dissolved now, gone. My view about love has changed. The two great examinations in my life have destroyed everything.
Love is for the most part dependent on superficial things. That is bitter, I know. For a long time I too did not want to believe it!
I was idealistic, did believe in the power of love, until the final moment!

Pointless!
Love is something with which we satisfy our own needs, for example by tenderness.
There is also the other love, the love towards a human being, towards a YOU. But I believe that I myself never had it. S was really pretty I did prefer her to H.
Bee also was pretty, even though I often tried to persuade myself that she has an ugly voice and that I loved here despite this. I did prefer her to Ch.
Ch is not pretty. And I do not love her. Well, now I approach things with a different measure.

Girls want to be exploited!
Like Bee!
Any idealism is there of no use!
I have decided. For now I remain free, internally. Externally I "go" with Ch, to make her happy and to give her a nice illusion. But it will not last much longer.
H did get more and more pretty recently! Yes, only material thinking pays off. The idealistic thinking only brings disappointment.

I have to learn to be more cheeky with girls. Because that is what they expect!

I am too old

It is really a joke!
I just watched a movie on TV where the moral was that the older guy gives up for the sake of the younger guy! Hahaha!
The older one is not standing in the way of happiness of the two younger ones. Hahaha! I am too old!

Busy and exhausted

After playing piano I am always completely exhausted. I have tried something new, a faster tempo.
Today I am completely finished! Have worked on my presentation, classes until 5pm, yesterday evening going out to a pub, until midnight.
It seems they have met again and have talked to each other, Bee and C!
Yesterday, after classes, C came to our classroom, in the hallway where she usually has no business! She had only a C in her math exam.
On Monday I had avoided meeting her at all cost.
Well, I am not yet better, I am still physically ill.
To hell with it!

Again Religious

Since Friday, 1.May, I am praying to god again. The trust in him had been reconstitutet completely at the next morning, but was put to a serious test the same evening.
But I am trying now again this way. I am praying again every evening, was even visiting that churc in the neighboring town.

Back to Reality

A few hours ago, everything looked different, as described in the last entry.
At least for half a day I had the wonderful illusion.
And the reconciliation which I had hoped for, had indeed happened.

Nothing is clear to me now.
A few hours ago I was deliberating how I should say to C good-bye, and now I only sit here and am silent.
Again fooled myself.
I will ask Bee what she is thinking about this.
Her guy, or me.
I was so happy this afternoon, and she seemingly too.
What have I done wrong?
The last words of her were so friendly and coming from heart!
What happened in the meantime?

In Seventh Heaven!

A few hours ago it was the first time, since an eternity it seemed, that I was biking through our little town, happy and singing. The sun was shining, everything was laughing, I radiated joy.
More I do now want to write, otherwise everything gets destroyed again.

Night Labour

Now for two hours I have just completed pointless night labour!
Would have been better if I had finished my presentation for Latin class or done something else more useful.
But no, it had to be two wasted hours.
That's how long it took until I got the present ready for Bee: a recipe for a cake.
Tomorriw I will drive to her. I am almost bursting of curiousity what she will say about it.
Is it a mistake to visit her tomorrow?
I do not know. Unfair towards C? Maybe. But I am going to do it.
I have a right to pursue my personal interests. Basta!

Probabilities: very low

Slowly I get it where it is going.
Unfortunately!
Always when during school break I talk with C, then sometimes I have something to talk about, but most times I do not know what we could talk about. Always about school! Teachers! Other boring stuff, but not about anything really important.
Well, it will probably slowly end, will get more and more shallow.
Maybe a few more monthly trips to the theatre, but then it will be over.
And then I will be free. And empty.
But it could also turn out differently: the trips to the theatre!
They could cause a getting closer wtih her.
But currently it steers downward.
Today I have not seen her at all, have not talked with her. A bad sign!

And what is with Bee?
How till it continue there?
Not at all! I am completely sure!
I will visit her, will give her a present, and then?
Nothing will change!
Maybe the climate between us will get a little better, but otherwise nothing.
Of course here is also an alternative, a dream possibility:
she gives up the guy with whom she is now (or has given him up already and is just waiting for me!) and embraces me! Yes, that would be the solution.
Probability: 0.0001%
But I have acepted that already, it is very clear to me, and I am not expecting this from her. I will have to work hard, to get back with the gang, will be silent and serious for a while, will sometimes cry, as long as it takes, until I suffocate everything and step on it and extinquish it, like at the beginning of this book. Then the circle is closed.
So, now think what you will give Bee's girlfriend! It must be something original, not the same thing that you gave to Bee!
Something new, funny, beautiful.
Well, will see.
Salve!
Take care!

The Circle Comes to a Close

Hello, it's me.
Yes, it seeems as if slowly the long quiet break comes to an end. The circle will come to a close.
2.March - 2.May, two months rest.
well, the last week not so much, there were again some internal storms in the heart.
I have a plan, for Saturday, 2.May. I will drive to her, give her a present and will turn everything around.
I will bring back to my friend Andrew the slide pictures of which I made duplicates. Pictures of thepast few years, once not taken by me but by someone else, with someone else's eyes. My youth. Seen from an external, objective viewpoint.

When I had last Saturday this idea, to visit Bee next week, I got in such a good mood that I felt happy for a few days

Neverending feelings...

So what has happened?
It was during the Easter Sunday mass. Our whole gang was in the chorus. Everybody was there, C who gave me that nice Easter nest, and also Bee. She looked pale, somehow tired. I began to feel some worries for her, some pity. But did not speak to her - we have not spoke in weeks.
During the service, Bee fainted. Her parents took her home.
I got worried so much for her. And that was when I noticed that all my surpressed feelings for Bee were there again. Nothing had changed. And I got really mad, after realizing that there was nothing that I could do against those feelings. And even worse, that there was nothing to make those feelings real, to have a love relationship with Bee. No chance!
And so I continue my desperation. Not sure how it will end, I do not see any light anymore. The tunnel seems to be endless...

And it begins again...!

Now, after a long time of quiet, the horror again begins! I am getting crazy!
I still live her! SHIT!
I thought that I have gotten rid of this love. But it starts all over again.
Or maybe I have an imaginary image of her in me, something that I just imagine about her, like one year ago? Very likely.
But how and when will I get rid of this imaginary dream image?
It prevents me from living, it ruins everything,
oh, I could cry now, so much do I love her! CRAZY!
At this moment I would like to kill myself. Erase everything with it.
It cannot be - I am really mad at myself that everything starts now all over again.

Eastersunday

After a long writing pause I take again this booklet and continue to make entries where I stopped. I am still alive, it goes on, I am cooler, disillusioned, weak, cowardly, but I am writing again in this book.
March was a silent month. In contrast to last year. Sometimes I was thinking about the past, about what happened exactly a year ago. But only sometimes. It all seems to be so far in the past. Much closer is the more recent past, the winter trip etc.
Yes, even I should be over it, I am still often thinking about it. Cannot cry anymore, even though I tried it recently sometimes.
I am empty.
Nothing has changed.
My "letter", the catastrophy, gone, done, end.
But not yet completely, only from 21.March, the evening hiking.
Then it was finally over, out, gone.
New hope, but it does not really ignite with me. Just rarely in a few moments: concerts, theatre, walks, all that should touch me and move me. But it does not.
I do not love C.
Cannot do anything about it.
But I must try!

Yes, this is how a live.
Even got a present from her, a Easter nest. Made me happy. She loves me. What a pity for her.
(I am mean, I know. I try to hide it...)
I am in love with nobody now anymore, maybe except with myself.
The consequences of the winter trip are even more significant than those of April 1980.
Well, in the coming summer, at the meditation course, I should get cured again. Am looking forward to playing the organ!
So, now I will continue the writing tradition.
Hope I will soon be better!

Easter break

Finally two weeks off. A little bicycle tour today. Over the weekend it was 30 C. Quiet unusual for April.

Beautiful clouds

At the sky there were beautiful clouds today.
One thing that changed me in these past few months is that I appreciate little things much more. I can be so happy when a little ray of sun hits my face. Just like that.
Not much more needed. And I see that why most other people are upset, is just plain bullshit. I have been upset for a very good reason. I jumped over my own shadow. And I failed. I did not win the girl with whom I fell in love. And that was a torturous experience.
Now this suffering made me more stable.
I feel that I had been completely torn into pieces. Like a vase, or a brick building. All the broken parts of me were lying around. I began to collect them one by one, and rebuilt myself. Stronger, more resistant. Not more capable, I am still the same stupid idiot which I had been. But I am now an idiot with an attitude. I have pride again. I am slowly raising from the ashes. Feels good.
Comes with the reawakening of nature: spring is nice.
I always liked actually autumn, when everything is dying. Those beautiful autumn colors on the trees.
But now I enjoy the spring bloom, and the first April heat wave.

Financial difficulties

I do not know what it is, but lately I am constantly in financial trouble. Of course, because I go to school, I do not earn any money and just have to beg my parents (my father) for a regular pocket money allowance. I am quite modest, but I do have lots of expenses: the empty cassette tapes for recording music, the lunch snacks at school, and today came the "Global 2000" report which I had ordered: a report for the US president, about the limited supply of natural resources. Not sure if president Reagan will read it and follow its recommendations...
Seems quite hot today, 26 C.

Season changes

The first trees are blooming!
A wonderful site, when I look out of my window and see those white little flowers on the apple trees.

Nice music concert

Music keeps me alive. Today a nice live concert. Enjoyed it very much.
Yesterday I bought a new stand for my bicycle; the old one had broken a while ago.
I drew a plan of a house design. Maybe I should become an architect?
Yesterday afternoon I was walking with C. She is very nice to talk to. Knows a lot, has many interests which I too share. Had a lot of ice cream.

No fasting anymore

Currently I am thinking what to do: should I eat from the chocolate which lies there so tempting in the desk drawer?

I have an appetite for it.

Or not?

But the matter here is someting fundamental: does lent make sense?

Last year I have fasted quite a long time, and afterwards I did not feel satisfied.

This custom is something for small children, but for me there is no satisfaction about the scrifice or something.

My feeeling and my mood is determined by other factors.

So, fasting is senseless.

For 4 weeks I have not touched any chocolate. Now I am fed up. I break through the wall.

4 weeks ago was the turn, the downfall.

Now I am eating the chocolate.

But also then I do not feel satisfied. But the satisfaction afterwards, if I would not eat now, is to small compared to the sice of the sacrifice.

Ok, bon appetite! 

Tutoring

Today I was tutoring. Not Bee, but C. She of course enjoyed it. We had fun.

Music recordings

Today is Bela Bartok's 100th birthday. Lots of his music on all classical FM stations around, I am recording so many things. Good that I got those CrO2 tapes with their improved recording quality. A pity only that my recorder does not have manual control. The automatic gain control kills all the dynamics; when the music is quiet, the hiss comes up. So when I listen to the music tapes, I keep my hand at the volume controller, and I do manual dynamic enhancement (turning down when the music is supposed to be quiet, turning up when it is loud. Stupid that I have to do that. Damn the automatic gain control!

Bicycle stand broke

Happened today. This aluminum stuff does not last. How am I now going to park my bike? Cannot always lean it towards the wall.

Finito

The sun laughs so beautifully from the blue sky!
It is completely cloudless.
Yesterday evening our gang did a night hike onto one of the nearby mountains.
Bee was there.
Her new boyfriend also.
Everything is clear.
I am embarrassed to have crawled so deeply.
Slowly I am getting up and move away.
I still smell of smoke.
Yesterday when we made the fire, I have sat right against the wind near the fire and have breathed in the biting smoke. Almost like smoking a cigarette.
Was great.
She shouted at me "Stop it".
A bitter feeling in the mouth, in the head, everywhere.
The whole night I dreamt, about many attempts, all in vain.
I do not love her anymore.
It is over.
I am just embarrassed to have been swapped for that jerk she is with now!
It hurts my pride, something that I had forgotten existed.
Good, but I am laughing at the sun which shines so warmly into the window.
Going to the movie this afternoon. Maybe C comes. I know what I have to do then.

Beginning of Spring

The beginning of spring toda - the winter is gone.
I draw the line, summarize, make conclusions, not much is left under the bottom line.
I have changed.
From a pathetic, small, shy, normal pupil to a pathetic, small, more courageous, crazy, extraordinary excentric pupil.
I love ... no, not what you are thinking! I want to write something completely different.
I love the extraordinary, the are, the opposite, the radical.
That is how I have become. I like it, am happy with it.
I like to sit in total darkness in my room, enjoy being on that lonely green bench in the hillside with the view of the town, like to eat a lot,
well, what kind of nonsense am I writing here...
I have very little time. Will go to the ecumenical service, maybe will be good.
C also wanted to come. Maybe SHE also will be there.
But does not matter.
Looking straight ahead, passing, distance, not anymore looking at each other.
Gone.

Interesting stories

It has been a while since I have written here into this book.
Almost nothing has happened.
Saturday evening with the gang.
Watching Saint-Exupery's "Little Prince", then singing songs in the darkness.
I did not what C probably expected me to do, I could not.
I still am in love with Bee. Noticeably less, but still present.
C has been sick the whole week now, a strong flu. I did not call her, did not visit her, despite that she tried so hard, I am bad, I know. But I have gotten used to my badness.

Just read yesterday "The Little Prince", by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. This story gave me a lot, a certain strength, an inner peace of the soul, a confirmation of my symbolic thinking.
I also read some of the short stories by Thomas Mann. I was fascinated. He often described such situations in which I am now. I suspect that Thomas Mann in his youth (16,17 years age) must have had also a love in vain. Until now in almost every of these short stories there was some kind of love in vain. I somehow get confirmed that I am not the only one who acts like I do.
Thomas Mann must have been quite shaken by his own experience, he probably was also as crazy as I was, I recognised exactly my feelings and actions.

I just notice that my handwriting has become quite regular. Maybe this is because I am partially already above the past, have overcome it - partially.

I continue to live, move on. In the very back of my brain I still hope.
Soon the spring starts - finally.
The winter was long. From 19.Nov - 2.March. Very long.
A beginning, and an end. There was never a middle...

Just ramblings

There is really nothing to write about.
I have just read the draft of my letter to her, which I then actually sent.
Cold sweat came onto my forehead.
No wonder she is not anymore looking at me!
And I thought about it being such an achievement.
Such a crap letter!
It has destroyed the last rest.
Today in school I saw her how she watched me talking to C.
Ha!
I have not looked at here at all but went immediately afterwards into the classroom.
Now I am showing myself to be tough. I have completely accepted that it is over. And she probably too! No need for her to pretend. Constantly I see her with that guy R. And I know that she is the initiative part in that "relation", not he! Just like it had been with me, before the holidays. In December and during our trip she was the one who had the initiative (at least that is what I noticed), but I reacted quickly and too developed feelings.
Well, it is over now,
She has to see how she will continue in her life.
It is a very worrying thought that she still has this letter.
When she is reading it later sometime, she will have a good laugh!
But what the hell.
Today I talked a lot with C. How often have I written that nevertheless there is no feeling? I will just pretend as good as I can.
But Bee I will completely disregard.
In recent days I had the thought to talk about all this with her best friend St.
But now I discard this thought, would not bring anything anyway.
But would be a good finish of this relations.
Oh holy crap!

Desperation - Collapse

God, I still love her!
Was just in the bathroom, cried bitterly.
Everything is over. She did not even want to give me the money for the photographs personally, her friend handed it to me.
No!
I cannot stop crying. I just love her.
A terrible evening tonight.
When meeting our gang, nothing was going on. A few of us tried to go to a pub, but they were closed. so we went to Alex, having some informal dinner. I came back late: 1:15 night. The parents were angry and upset, as they had been worried.
Shit evening.

I love her. The next 3 months are already programmed: constant crying, then C's desperate attempts, then again short revival episodes full of cheerfulness.
I love you. Even my ability to write is slowly fading away, my handwriting gets weaker and unreadable.
I love you
when you look at me, I have to look away
I love you
you look firm, but also most times you look away.
I love you
I must not see you anymore, as I have promised in my letter
I love you
I love you in vain
alone, I am isolating myself
either you or nobody.
so it is nobory.
I love you
I love you
so desperate as I am now I have felt since a long time
In the recent days I was strongly suicidal.
I love you
that is because I have recently done too many short-circuit actions, and I have learnt to switch off my conscious guiding and preventing.
I can switch off my conscience and can act short-circuit. Only a stupid thought needs to enter my mind, and I will lie smashed under the truck,
or dead the square down after a jump from the 3rd floor,
or in our high school
I love you
there is no other way for me
I love you
I cannot imagine anything else
I love you
crazy
I soon need a mental institution

One hour ago coming back from another evening in the city: a theatre performance.
Was well done, but does not matter.
What I want to write is:
the era of the influence from the holiday trip over New Year is over.
Always when I think about it, a bitter feeling comes up.
I love her despite of that.
Even though she has not yet written a response letter.
I am still expecting it.
She has now a different hair do, obviously wants to forget everything.
Maybe I write now for the last time: Bee, I love you.
And slowly I will also retreat from C, into the desolate solitude.
Because I can try as hard as I can: but I do not love her.

Desperation is Relative

I am glad that it is over.
I bent it, stretched it, and it broke.
Did not apply the right pressure, obviously.
Am still not believing that I actually did it. Never before have I done such a thing... I am kind of proud actually. Well, it failed. But I feel that I can now do anything, that nothing could scare me.

I have to talk myself up. Because there is this vast inner emptiness in me, which can make me implode, if I do not keep up the pressure.

But today I learned that desperation and misery in life means different things for different people. When going with my friend to school this morning, as classes resumed on Ash Wednesday (yes, finally this horrible Mardi Gras is over), he told me that this past Sunday his father had a brain stroke. One half of his body is paralyzed, he cannot talk, cannot walk. My friend was desperate, but calm. I felt ashamed about my own egotistical whining related to my "great love" and the unjustice that I felt suffering, but my friend's real misery showed me how pathetic my own little problems were. All members of my family are fine, I am healthy, no problems. Just the imagined ones in the mind. Suddenly all of my story did not look that important anymore, as I tried to give him some consolation.

This just demonstrated to me the unfairness of live. I was in a bad mood the whole day. Not because of yesterday, but because of my friend.

Decision done

Now I know it.
She did not come to the meeting.
But I still am keeping a little back door open:
it could be that she got the letter too late.
But that must not influence me, because this has the probability of 10%.
Good. C, I will come to you.

not much time left

Only 1/2 hour left.
I will go now.

The countdown is running since a while. Another 45 minutes left. Then I will be at the place where I said I would be, and will wait for her. For one whole hour.
What will she do?
Will she come?
And if so, how will she react?
"Man, you are an idiot" ?
Or will everything turn out well?
2% probability for that it turns out well.
Ok, I am afraid.
Inexplainable.
Not so much of what will happen later, but just of her reaction when reading the letter.
Will her parents get it into their hands?
Will she tear it apart?
Will she receive it in time?

This afternoon and evening I was so anxious.
I went with friends to that "ball", more like a huge party, with dancing, costumes, to celebrate Carneval, Mardi Gras, or whatever one may call this crazy season.

I hate it. Was completely absent minded.
She was not there. She does not yet know what is waiting tomorrow in the letter box for her...
Do I regret having sent this letter?
No. I need clarification. And since I never can talk to her, since I am so shy, so reluctant, so inhibited, the letter was the only way. But I feel quite embarrassed... have never done anything like this in my life before.

Yes, I wrote a Letter

The winter holiday trip moves into the far past. Was just 2 months ago.
Today for the first time this year there is in the air such a smell of spring.
So wet, humid, fresh, so warm.

I have written Bee a letter. When I came back from the disastrously devastating visit this morning, I ran to my desk, took out a piece of paper, and began to write. Directly from the heart. I wrote her "I love you". Yes, I wrote it. I was almost in a trance, did not allow andy resonable thought enter my brain and mind. I kept writing. Then put it into an envelope, drove to the post office, bought a stamp, and put it into the mailbox. I felt some reasoning that tried to keep me back. But I surpressed it.

Once the letter was gone, I let my reason come back. And I wanted to get the letter out again, hold it back. Too late, and I am glad for it.

I wrote to her that I want to meet her. I told the place and the time. No more coming to her home, where the embarrassing moments with her mother could be, or with R who would be waiting in the back, with his motorcycle. I chose a neutral place, in the middle of the town, in the open.

I was extreme, I want the decision. Either she is swayed by this, or she is not. In the latter case, I will finally have clarity. I will then move on.

What have I done?

o no, o no, o no!
I think the carneval bug has bitten me.
I have done something crazy...
... I have just mailed a letter to her
With everything.
o no, o no, o no!

Tomorrow, 2pm, there will be a decision for tne next week
yes or no
finally I may play the switch setter, finally I am the referee.

But what I have experienced this morning, was horrible.
I went to her, as I had planned. Not sure what I wanted to tell her, well, probably everything.
A little silver motor cycle outside her home. That is the one of R...
Her mother opens the door, calls Bee.
But Bee does not want to come. I hear them argue.
Hear her say "... he is out of his mind! He is crazy!"
Her mother manages to get her out.
So there she is, and with a honey-sweet voice she flutes that today I cannot stay very long.
Yes, I know, Bee, you are cruel.

I wanted to tell you, that I love you, but in that situation I was unable to do so.

So I wrote you the letter!
Only now it dawns on me what I have done with this. oh god, oh god, oh god!

Tomorrow, 2pm, decision.

Music gives Consolation

The next two days are off, we do not have classes. Most people enjoy the carneval activities, but I am smoldering in my own malaise.
Well, I have all the time in the world tomorrow!
Today I did something useful: I sorted my documents and stuff, and put new labels on the binders. Nothing exciting, but at least I will be able to find things.

Recently I have listened a lot to music on the radio. Usually at night, after 22:00. I am lucky to live in an area where I can receive several local FM stations with classical music. This month they celebrate the 100 birthday of Bela Bartok, one of my favourite composers. I have a whole schedule of the broadcasts, will record a lot of tapes.

It seems that only classical music can calm me down, can give me hope. Especially the music of "newer" composers like Bartok. The dissonances actually give me consolation, give me the assurance that I am not the only one who is suffering, and that things will eventually get sorted out and end well. So I hope at least... I am looking forward to the radio programmes this month. Last year I taped Bartok's First Rhapsody, and that piece brought to me his sound world. A few years earlier I had no connection to his music, I found the piano pieces which I was given as assignent by my music teacher white boring and dissonant, could not relate to them. But since I heard a few of his orchestral pieces, I am a great fan of his music. A few months ago I even played the Allegro Barbaro.

Failed - but I give not up!

So, now is the first half of this book filled.
Filled with my life, my feelings, success and failure,
happiness, and a lot of bad luck.
How will the 2nd half look?
What else will be in this book?
Summer '81.
The switches have been set, but still can be changed.
Nothing is reliable.
Everything is moving.
Tomorrow I will visit Bee.
That is my contribution to switch setting.
The rest is done by god and by the other people.
Now turn the book by 180 deg - and keep on reading.

(turning the book, as I now will write on the back side of the pages)

everybody there?
good.
It continues.
Today is the Sunday before carneval.
I nerd am sitting here and listening to the radio.
The parents have noticed something, yesterday, after my misfortnuate attempt to see her.
I went there to the school where the bus was supposed to arrive, was pretending to fix something at my bicycle, then suddenly the teacher appeared which had accompanied them! They are already back, had arrived two hours earlier!
Bad luck.

It is quite funny how the parents try to consolate me! I have not told them anything, nor am I going to, but my sad face obviously speaks the truth out.
They understand some things, but they give so smart and diplomatic advice which I cannot adhere.
"see, that is how they are, the bitches"
"that is why you should not get involved"
"I would show them, I would only once let this happen!"

Well meant, but they do not know how I feel.
Bee, I love you!
Tomorrow I will come to you.
Hopefully C will not call...
Oh my god, what am I doing?
I feel sorry for her
But no matter what, tomorrow I drive to Bee.
I love you!

High Expectation - and a bit crazy

I no not care anymore about the whole usual rhythm of the year.
At Christmas I did not let myself been carried away by the kitschy cute mood, and now the whole carneval season does not touch me at all.
Everybody is cheery, makes fun and jokes, on TV, on radio.
I instead, fighting my inner struggles, know what I want.
I will drive to town, to pick her up.
I love her, I know it.
And C?
I no not know.
I believe that I have to treat her very badly, so that she is scared away from me. I cannot tell her.
Let's see what I am going to do now.

I did a stupid thing...

Ha, ha, ha, hihihi, bah!
Serves you right.
No, so stupid, silly, I must have been crazy!
Since a few days I had this "great" idea. First I wanted to write her a letter, a real long one, with everything in it what I wanted to say.
Well, then I had the even better idea to just call.
My parents were out since 18:15, so no witnesses.
First was my shyness there, which appeared to increase, I was more and more afraid doing it, until I gave myself a push, got up from watching TV, and went to the phone.
I knew the number from heart, had memorized it.
First busy.
Then again busy.
Still busy.
Then finally my call came through.
Now "yes, youth hostel here"
I ask for the class that stays here, but before I can tell details, the person already disappears... I hear the speaker in the background calling out the group... how embarrassing! Now probably one of the teachers will come to the phone. I am going to hang up. But I do not hang up - I can just leave a message... what message should I leave? yes, something about next Saturday, something about a schedule change then. After a while a person comes back, says "there seems nobody to be there". Ok, I am relieved. No embarrassment. But also no success.
After 10 minutes I try it again.
The call goes through again. Now I will not make the mistake again, I will just give her name and will let Bee call out. I spell her name, then waiting. I think about what to say...
then a deep voice "hello"
that is not her...
who is there?
it is in fact one of the teachers.... now I am in trouble. I follow my previous plan then, tell him about the Saturday appointment that is going to be moved. Ok, he will tell her.
That went well. But I am embarrassed... that was a real joke what I did.
What will Bee think when she gets the message? from her teacher?
I am really an idiot. But I will be there, when they come back on Saturday evening.
Despite being quite embarrassed and finding my own action stupid and hilarious, I am glad that I did it. I have finally taken the initiative into my hand!

Planning - all gone wrong

Oh no, I have to say... your talent in pre-planning is ingenious! How you did manage to plan this so well...!

You wanted to visit Bee today. No matter what reason, just like that. But then you actually found a reason: a poster about studying industrial design. She could be interested in that!

So, writing down everything, after trying in vain to find out who did hang that poster.

Then the intent: today to Bee.
Excuse at home: need to do some shopping. Therefore I will be later. Also have to go to the optician.
Thursday I have one hour free in the morning, so I do the shopping then. Means after the Cello lesson I have time for something else. Ingenious!

Everything was planned very well. But also ingenious is to ignore the little mishaps which can happen.

In practice that is how that looked today:
Did my shopping ok, even escaped Ch fine. But while biking, the right pedal at the bike started to become loose.
Ok, tightening it, but gets loose again. Need some tools to fix it better. go to a bicycle store, borrow something, and really am able to fix it. Need to turn the bicycle upside down.

Then it happens: the chain touches my white shirt and makes it dirty with black grease. Damned!
That is not how I can visit Bee.

Am fixing the pedal with the tools, I drive off, but after a short while the pedal again gets loose. I pedal carefully, but nothing helps: the pedal falls off.

Finished? No. Try again to fix the pedal. Put a sweater on, despite the warmth (to hide my dirty shirt).

After the Cello lesson I try again: the pedal seems to hold. But as I am trying to drive to Bee, it falls again off.

The friendly and helpful A gives me a lift: with his bicycle he pulls me the 2 miles home.

So much for my plan.

Tomorrow it will be more difficult. I have no more excuses, timing will be different and difficult. Really annoying.
But it does not matter. I will visit her. I will give signs. It shall not end like in January, where I was too slow to react.

When I look back, then everything looks different since the last 2 weeks. Memories for later: short holiday, Janacek, clouds, bicycle, during breaks always inside etc.

We will see!

A break from her

She is gone now for one week.
Going skiing, with her class, into the mountains. I have time to think.
I have decided: I want to be with her.
No C anymore, I have avoided her in this past week.
My attempts to meet Bee, to "hit on her" have been in vain, but I will not give up.
I have decided that I want to be with her. Bee is just so wonderful. I love her way, her looks, her interest, her laugh. She has a horrible singing voice, but I love it. I am crazy about her, I want to be with her, want to kiss her.
I cannot wait until she is back next Saturday.

Courage - and Disappointment

Today I was at her home.
Of course I did not do what I had wanted to do, I just was in a normal conversation with her.
But at least I was there.
Of course, before I could go to her, C tried everything possible, to prevent me from going.
I of course was too weak to resist, to tell her clearly what is going on.
I will probably never be able to do that.
But despite that I drove to Bee.

Then later, in the town...
I saw her standing with that guy Wolfgang...!
"Oh, you again" she said to me.

If that does not drive anyone to suicide...
But I still am alive.

Left by everyone (except by C) I move on, maybe she will accompany me.
If she too is not soon sick of me.

For crying out loud!
God has won.
I have lost.
The personal will has been defeated.
By the Christian conscience.
Again and again I have tried and attempted.
Again and again I failed.
It was over my head, I could not do it.
Such a difficult thing is just too much for me.
Suicide? Maybe. No!
First I will become (un)happy with C.
Oh man, I almost was crying!

Today I will dare it!

Today an unusual time for writing here, early in the morning.
Today I have planned something.
Already Monday I tried, in vain.
Failed on myself.
Tuesday there was no possibility.
Today is Wednesday.
Right after school.
I love you, Bee, even when I try to deny it.
C loves me, even when this twist is cruel.
Today I will decide for the first option.
Hopefully I have enough strength!
The image of C appears. I feel so sorry for her.
But today I have to dare it!

Found the way

So. I have decided.
I had the choice: either to enforce my own will, and hereby letting someone sitting alone,
or to forget about my will and to give in to somebody else, where again I would hurt someone.
I have decided for the 2nd option. Even though Bee was friendly to me and looked at me, I let her go.
Oh god, how disgusted I am about myself, about what I am writing here!
This materialism!
Well, I went for a walk with C.
She likes me, I know.
and Bee? I do not know.
Those women!
Always they have to whisper with each other, also about me, they talk about their problems, about such problems which I only entrust to this diary here.
That is sometimes upsetting.
Strange, I have found my way.
Will I be happy?

Building bridges

With which shout should I open this entry?
Ha!
Today I was showing it to everybody.
Stop, I have to begin with yesterday. Actually the day before yesterday.
Wednesday. C was visiting the stock exchange with her class, an excursion into the city. Then, yesterday, a card from here at home on my desk!
Then I knew what that meant.
I ignored B, met with C in a movie, then also in the evening with the gang.
And today? Like yesterday, but...
I built bridges. To everywhere.
During the break I was with A. Then with C. After school was with St., and then visited even Bee! Look and see - she even was friendly, she obviously was happy about it. And then I visited H. Quite a lot for one day!
I have acted egotistically, opportunistically, securing myself in every direction, and probably have laid the foundation for some terrible situations in the future!

nothing

The km counter on my bicycle is now at 4500.
It was raining today, some hail, stormy.
The river water was raising, some flooding along the river bank.

Ouh!

Ouihuau!
What is that?
No!
Why do I have to discover obstacles everywhere, built for me by god?
But why am I complaining?
I actually have it quite good, am quite healthy, not handicapped, I have actually a good life.
I have the whole power in my hands.
I only would need to put more effort in, not be such a coward!
Forward!
Hahaha - to where?
But I have it so good! Compared to others.
Everybody has sorrows. I begin to see that.
What was god thinking when creating human?

So.

So.
(didn't I start already a few entries with "so"?)
I cannot think of anything that expresses my plain dispair better.
So again: So.
That is done.
She came yesterday, at the carneval party of our gang, as "Queen". Well, sort of.
I thought she had the best costume of all. Twice I had the pleasure of dancing with her. Then her new guy... that was enough to bring me to the edge of crying.
But it was actually a good party, the best since quite a while.
Because in my despair I forgot about my inhibitions. I really let myself go. Danced with H, also danced crazy with K. And then danced with A. Well, until 10:30pm I did not even know her name!
So, and now God, or fate, or life, or whatever I shall call this force, or I myself have reached the state in which I have never wanted to be. I have sunk down to become quite the average mass human. Going for a few weeks with this girl, then for a few weeks with that girl. I never wanted to be like that. To me that seemed like the worst in the world, mean towards other humans.
But now I am like this myself. Being forced.
I know one thing" my heart I will not anymore give away so quickly!
(Puh, strange to write such a nonsense, but nothing better occurred to me)
For now I have enough.
Bee, farewell.
with your new guy, or with whomever.
But despite this it was quite funny yesterday!
And it confirmed my thoughts about god's acting in the world! Poor K! Poor J!
I am not the only one who constantly fails.
God allows this, completely unashamed. Maybe he even laughs then about our stupidity.
But it happens
How K was crying yesterday when dancing! I recognized myself so much in this.
But at that time my crying break down had already been gone.
So, and now I will continue to live without soul.
Not sure if I will continue writing the book that I planned.
Well, everything is quite pointless.



I knew J and K for quite a while. J has been in my class, but he had moved then to another town, I rarely saw him. But he is a nice guy, I like him. Not as pretentious as others, not as macho or jerk-like, but real sensitive. And reasonable. And still quite a guy, not a sissy. That is why K must have fallen in love with him. I knew here already for a few years. She is quite attractive, pretty, but has quite many boyfriends. I have not counted. But now with J it seemed to be finally a more stable relationship. That is why she was then crying. Not sure what actually happened. They were both desperate. J was in the kitchen, looking sad, confused, and I - I of all people - was there to give him some consolation. He seemed helpless. Not sure who left whom, if J finished the relationship, or K. I did not ask, and neither he nor she did not tell. I guess I will never find out...

A wonderful ballet: Petrushka

In our school, students from the 10th grade upward are given the opportunity to participate in a monthly subscription to opera/theatre/ballet performances. For me this is now already the 3rd year that I am taking part in these, and I have learned so much from it and have enjoyed these performances very much.
Yesterday evening was again one of those performances. I had to choose if I would attend the big school carneval party, or if I would go to the ballet. Many of my friends choose the party. I, however, was fed up with people, with partying, with relationship and stuff, and I was glad to escape this whole situation for one evening. A few weeks ago I had heard on the radio a performance of Stravinsky's ballet suite "Petrushka" performed by two piano players, and it sounded wonderful to me! So energetic, so exciting rhythms, so wonderful sounds and harmonies. I was, therefore, looking forward very much to hear the full orchestral version for the very first time, and at the same time to see the whole thing performed as a ballet.

These theatre excursions also have been always very exciting for me: it was a short break-out from the small town life into the big city. The ride on the bus takes about one hour. Driving along the river downstream, then entering the motorway for a while, then the exit. Meanwhile it is already dark, and the nightly illumination of the streets somehow adds to excitement for me as we drive through the suburbs towards the city centre. I press my face against the window, trying to capture all that there is to see. The bit stone grinders shop which always has a lot of marble gravestones on display, together with some tacky marble statues. The orange lit traffic intersections, so much bigger than in my little home town. The tramways passing by. And then, towards the centre, some skyscrapers, fully lit offices inside. Getting off at the theatre, I am excited as always. The smell of rubber from the entrance to the subway always makes me wanting to go down there and take a ride.

The theatre is a modern building, with a large glass front towards a public square and a balcony there to go out. I love to just walk out there during the intermission, look down at the square, up to the skyline of the sky scrapers around. A feel of "big wide world" is there, open, with opportunities. Not like in my little cosy provincial home town.

First there is the ballet Orpheus - I am not very thrilled. But after the intermission Strawinsky's ballet Petruschka is being performed. I am stunned. Have never seen a ballet before, just some excerpts on TV, and then I was not too excited about those pirouettes and stylised dance forms. But this here was very expressive, all emotions put directly into motion. And the music... I love it so much! The story about that dumb clown Petrushka who is in love with that silly dancing girl, who is in turn just attracted by the dashing other guy... I can so identify with this. Is always the same.

C is also here in the group. B decided to go to the school party. This again indicates something against my wishes... but what can I do? C is very interested in the "finer things" in life, into intellectual discussions, into art, society. We have a lot to talk about. But B is so much more "dashing"... I have just fallen for her. Maybe I am the silly dancer here...?
This is also something that concerns me so much, that inhibits all my moves: I face two fronts. On one hand I want to win B, want to be with her, and she not with me. On the other hand, C wants to be with me, and I not with her. So I am double making something wrong... should I just turn? 180 deg, as I have considered in the past 2 weeks? Maybe...

But for now I want to forget about my own little problems, and I enjoy the feelings which this wonderful music gives to me. I wish I could write a music like this...

Afraid

I am afraid of later, of tonight. she was ill, sick at home, not at school on Thursday, Friday. On Thursday I drove up the hill to her home, just until one street below. Then I returned. With deliberation. Before that change of mind I wanted to visit her. But thne I decided against it.
Friday I drove up higher, again with the intention to visit her. Drove this time hither up until to her street, then I continued. Took another turn. I did not want to go to her. Down the road again. Was afraid to meet her new guy, or her class mate. I would have felt ashamed, she would have felt ashamed, the others would have felt ashamed, and it would have been useless. Like the other few times when I was there. But now I am angry. Because it really means the end. well, it is almost anyway down at zero. But I cannot make the 180 deg turn. I know it exactly, I hang in between, sensible for anything. And for nothing.
Afraid of tonight.
But it cannot get any worse! It is already so bad!
There is only upward movement possible, up in any direction.
Afraid!

Decision against B

B is still sick.
Again I decided against visiting here. I was considering it, but then deliberately chose not to.

Restless

In these last weeks after "the holiday trip" I have been using my bicycle very often, despite the winter weather, through snow and rain. It gave me the freedom to roam around, to hide my desperately looking face in the wind and rain, it allowed me to seek quite places where I could just sit down without anyone disturbing me in my lonely desperation. I have often cycled to that wooden bench outside of the town, just at the foot of the hill, under the high voltage power line, with a view of the river valley. I liked it there, nobody came by here. And I cried there. Is quite embarassing for a man to do it, and do admit it. Sometimes for half an hour. I was without any support inside, trying to cling onto something that did not exist. Powerless, no way to change the situation, through my weak personality, my shy behavior, my lack of self confidence.
Sometimes I also went to the modern church in the neighboring town. I had been there about 10 months ago, Easter 1980, and I liked the structure. Inside it felt like in a large wooden tent. Now in these days I went there quite often, enjoying the silence inside, the protectedness. Despite my argument with god.
I liked the smell of candles. Especially I liked to sit near this window of blue stained glass patches, that formed an abstract pattern. The dark blue light coming through this window gave me some hope, some consolation. In a very abstract way.
I sat there, and as soon as I looked into this blue glass, the tears started running. No stopping, I could not control it. I felt desperate.
After about an hour I usually left, went back to school, to the places where the actual life went on. And continued to struggle.
Quite pathetic, the whole situation.

An ambitious plan

I have an ambitious plan: I want to write a book.
Or better said, a story. "The Trip".
First I will collate all my diary entries from that time, then I will form them into a novel.
A really ambitious undertaking!
Btw, B is ill today and was not at school.
I have not even asked what she has.
Wanted to visit her, but on the way my bicycle tire went flat, so I had to return just before the uphill slope to her home.
A sign?
I had thought about it, I could have continued, but then I decided to turn around.
It would not have made any sense, it would have been pointless lite my two other visits lately.
Maybe I also would have met R there, and I wanted to spare me this meeting.
Ok, on with the novel!

Will I be happy?

Do you believe that you will be happy?
How?
Well, there was the 180 deg turn. Now focussing on C.
But I am still hanging somewhere, did not free myself yet completely.
Am relatively cold, the feeling is close to 0. I noticed this today.
I will try to completely free myself.
Even when I may not be completely happy then.
May not be able to get happy.
Because of the new opportunistic life attitude.
This attitude is not yet established well.
Hopefully something finally happens that removes this attitude again.

A 180 degree turn

Careful, keep holding onto something! 
I am making a sharp turn, 180 deg.
I have had enough.
I am changing.
Am nto an idiot!
Now she can see how she continues... unfortunately I will have to continue to tutor here, as I have already been paid by her mother.
But I will show them. So!
A while ago I would have been discusted of myself. Just switching like this.
But I have learnt.
God has taught me what I have to do in this world.
Today it went quite ok.
After the 6th class hour leaving the classroom, looking along the hallway, whod no I see? R. oh no, R!
B, you will see how you will run into disaster with R!
Should I tell you, B?
Should I tell you wjat R said about you during our holiday trip?
WEll, I was like struck by lighting down the stairs, onto the bicycle, through the strong rain, well, too strong to cycle around, so back into the school again, I am completely wet.
Then C comes along, shows me her math exam.
So.
I am becoming an opportunist.

Desperate

I cannot stand it anymore. The more I think about it, the more I dig myself into a downward spiral of desparation.
What is B doing? Saturday evening, she suddenly was always near R. A new development. 
R. A. I am going mad.
The situation seems to be finished.
Built, obstructed.
I am completely lost in all my actions / nonactions. 
I know what I want!
Cannot anymore... the trip, the catastophy.
No hope anymore.
I cannot cry at all, dry.
Maybe I will soon be dead, having jumped down through a window.
I am tired. tired of life.
But there is still that little spark of hope in me, which keesp me alive.
It is her, B.
But in reality there are so many possibilities!
But I cannot anymore.
I will not go to the school celebration this week. I know this since this past cruel Wednesday. Instead I will go to the theatre. 
Yesterday and today I was studying like crazy. Math, Social, etc. I am afraid of the coming math exam.

Lots of studying

Over the weekend I studied a lot for school. We had again some exams coming up, and my grades seemed slipping. I could not concentrate much, was always thinking about B. Fortunately C was not there on Friday evening, at K's party.
The good mood that had come last Thursday was only short lived. I am back again in deep depression, everything is senseless. I do not know what to do, how to move forward. Whad should I do regarding B? How can I avoid C's approaches and advances? I am stuck between these two, just am somehow not adjusted to reality.

At Party

K had invited us all to a party tonight. She is a nice girl, I had a slight crush on her a while ago. But she seemed to be with many guys. Very easy going, also easy to get. Completely different from her sister.
I was not in a party mood at all. Would have been better if I would not have gone. B was not there, so at least my nerves were a bit saved. My friend and foe A was there... but the issue with him was so many months ago, I felt as if it did not matter anymore, had not been this week the situation when B was almost throwing herself onto him. Well, H was here. She is nice. I still have a bad conscience for what I did a year ago, when I disregarded her. K has a piano. I started to play a bit, some of our songs that we were singing for the service. Those folk type of melodies, I made my own harmonies. H sat there and listened attentively. She liked it. She played then a piece - had composed it herself. Very nice, I enjoyed it. There is more to H than I thought. I played again. Some sad improvisations. H listened, was obviously fascinated. Our eyes met, we smiled at each other. But no, I was not very much into her. K came and said I should stop playing the piano. It would ruin the pary mood. So I stopped. Not long after I left and went home. What a wasted evening.

Good Mood

Today was a weird day. For some reason I was in a good mood, without any good cause. Our gang met, to discuss how we would organise the upcoming carneval party. I felt desperate but positive - somehow a contradiction. Do I really now accept that there is no hope with B? Maybe it is just a temporary thing, just a natural reaction in the human body, since one cannot always be in desparation. A tiny positive thing can then make the whole day.
My bicycle counter shows 4300km today. I was cycling a lot in the past year.

Finished

I am just coming home, having entered the door, go to my room, sit down.
So.
I do not know what to write.
Where to start.
Today is Wednesday.
Tutoring day, as agreed with B's parents.
Think again!
After I was waiting for them alone in one of the empty class rooms on the 2nd floor, I went down slowly. Where are they?
They are in the main hall.
And - A is there too.
They are not yet with A. I go down the stairs, I walk towards them, they spot me, then they turn around and walk towards A, chat with him. 
I pretend not to be touched, go to them as well, we chat. 
I stand next to S, not next to B. We talk about the upcoming carneval activities. I have an idea on what costume to wear: go as a guy with a thick stomach.
But wile talking I cannot concentrate as I see the interaction between B and A.
I notice how B looks at him, almost eats him up with her looks. A is calm, does not even react to her, I must give him this as a credit.
But she is almost throwing herself at him... and I do not know what to do.
Gong.
Next hour starts, I go away, get my things from the class room upstairs, go down, say to them "you math experts", and take my bicycle to drive away. 

always along the road, I make a turn to the right instead of the left, biking away, as tears are running from my eyes. 
Leaving the town, the road surface gets sandy, I see a bench, stop, and sit on it.
Above me the buzzing of a high voltage power line. I look around, at the brown-yellow grass. Cannot sop crying.

Finished.
Nothing anymore.
I am not a clown with whom you can do whatever you want!
I understood, B. You told me now clearly enough.
Done.

Cruel

Cruel.
How can everything happen so cruel?
I am stuck somewhere.
Am equipped with best will, but then I am stuck somewhere and cannot move forward.
Already so much time has gone by,
I have lived through so much.

Desire and reality are far apart.
Ouuh!

New courage

Getting some new courage.
Helping the parents to clean up after the kitchen renovation.
Going to a classical music concert this afternoon. Later to a restaurant.
The family, which is my parents and my brother, do not know anything of my inner fights, my problems. I do not tell them, I act normally.
They would not understand.

Being powerless

Powerlessness.
That is the worst.
One wants to steer and cannot.
Everything runs against.
I try to intervene, to act, (I did today, I wished luck and best wishes, I tried everything today int he break), but all in vain.
I am powerless, am subjected to whatever happens by this inhuman god.
Nobody helps me.
Completely alone I stand here.
Ok. A deviating from the way so far. Again new. 
I feel so empty. I am dizzy during the turn.
I cannot make it.
A lot of broken glass.
Deep inside I still do not give up, but around it everything is empty.
I cannto cry, I feel being robbed, betrayed by god.
Now not even nature tells me something, I can nowhere discover beautiy or harmony in anything.
Soon I am completely dead.
Or totally crazy.
But still nothing is lost yet.
I feel like drinking alcohol. Something. Champagne, wine, punch, something.

It is different now

I have to say that something really has happened in the past few weeks.
Remember?
A few weeks ago, 9.December, I reflected on how they were happy to see me at school, in the break when we met, when they approached me to chat and have a nice time.
Now all that is different, the great progress could not be stopped.
Today int he break, when I walked towards them joyfully, with my heart beating faster, just looking forward to meet B, to talk to her... I almost do not dare to write it... they turned away. Changed their direction. Walked to the side, avoided meeting me.
Yes, that is how times change.
My reaction: short circuit - backwards.
I turned around 180 degree, back into the hall, looking for cover.
Peeked out again once in a while, but now I did not dare anymore to come out.
After school I tried again a short-circuit, this time forward.
But god had prevented this, they were not even in their class room anymore.
Bravo, go on!
When I look at this almost passed week, I wonder why I am still alive. I should be dead by now.
But also for tomorrow I plan - short-circuit. No more inhibitive thinking.
We will see. It cannot be worse than now.

Almost I had forgotten what I urgently wanted to write.
Careful, it is very important.
For the first time I will pin down in writing, so that it does not run away:
ok short-circuit now: I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH, B
so, and now once again:
I really like you very much, B.
B, B, B,
So, now I feel better. Everything clear now?
Ok.

Disappointed from god

In our apartment, the parents have decided to do a big makeover. The kitchen is empty, a big mess is everywhere.
New wall paper will be put onto the walls.

I was trying to revive my short-circuit capability, to meet B in the break.
But nothing. C had spotted me, and was walking with me. So when I would have followed my short-circuit plan, I would have let her stand there, and would have moved towards B. But no, I did not do that. Did not want to hurt C.

What an idiot I am!
Why could I not follow through?

I have been brought up very religiously. I was a strong believer during my childhood.
Every evening a prayer.
But I must have had the wrong idea about god and his influence on my life.
Right now, my faith appears not important and not dominant anymore. I am disappointed. Of god, of faith.
I have prayed, but did not find any relation anymore.
The innermost basis is destroyed.
There is anyway a big mess inside me, and I am trying to make a it of an order there, to sort things out.
I seem to succeed a bit, but not much.
At least I know what I want.
But always something interferes.
For the next days: these will be short-circuit days.
Sometime it must succeed.
I am disappointed of god.
I had built so much onto a hopeless basis.
How many people believe in god and trust him in anything.
They go through life and always feel confirmed in their belief.
But all is only appearance. deception, everything is in vain, emptiness behind, Nothing.
For the first time in my life this thought does not shake me.
I take it as given., have to try to come to terms with it.
I know I will not succeed in it.
But I will survive, will sneak through life, circumvent barriers, but will probably bump with my head always at some wall, some corner, like always, I know it...
But now I have nobody to put the blame onto.
Currently I feel nothing, no hate, or do I?
Checking... there is a lot of love feeling.
Dissapointed from god.
Like so often.
Always the same song...

Rain

Some snow, turning into rain.
Big hopes for tomorrow.

A Short Circuit Action

In the morning at school I crossed C's path. Made me angry. Could not see B, as time was limited.
But then after school, in the afternoon I finally broke out of my passivity: I decided not to think things through and just have a "short circuit".
I visited B this afternoon in her home. Just to talk about the math exam, as a pretext.
We talked then about 1/2 hour long. Nothing fancy, just small talk. My short circuit capabilities are limited and are not sufficient for a large action - it was already hard enough for me to do this visit.
But I did it, and I am proud.
Yes, I just have to switch off the brain sometimes and do exactly what I feel.
Forget about embarrassment.
Just do the same short-circuit approach as on 6.January, back during the trip.

At a Birthday Party

My long-time childhood friend AD has invited me today for his birthday party. I only see him once a year, he is already working at a job, has left school earlier. I feel completely displaced among his friends, do not know what to say. There is this girl on whom I had a crush in 1st grade, 12 years ago. She talks about her attitude towards sleeping with men, and that she just would not sleep with anyone on the first date. They talk about another girl who obviously has not such scruples.
I do not know what to say, so I just listen. For full two hours just listening, sitting in the corner, having nothing to contribute to the conversation. I feel liks such a moron.
Last night, after showing the pictures to my gang, I slept not very well. My thoughts were with B all the time. Why did I not approach her? Why did I not talk to her more? I was so distant.
I feel like I am falling back again, into my usual shy distant behavior that I have had all these years.

There is still a bot of snow outside, on the hill tops there must be more. The gang wanted to do cross-country skiing, but I had been at AD's party.
I feel weak and incapable.
Slowly life runs away.
I torture myself through it, I only want the best.
And I have really worked hard.
But not hard enough.
Yesterday evening would have been such a good opportunity like never again.
I have to make it.
But then, the dichotomy comes again. C appears. And I do not know what to do...
Why was the mathematics exam so bad?
I am disappointed, from myself and from them.

Showing the pictures

Saturday evening our weekly meeting in the club. It did not matter to me anymore, I did not push anything, Showed them the pictures, they actually liked them.
But I did nothing to advance myself towards B. Took even my younger brother to the meeting, so that he could get introduced to the group and find some other friends here.
After coming home, I felt desperate, and regretted my inactivity.

First Pictures are here

It got warmer, rain today melted every bit of snow away.
I got mail today: the first photos from our winter trip are here.
What I noticed: on the pictures where I am (taken by others), I appear to be so self conscious, often laughing. This is quite the opposite of how I looked on earlier pictures: shy, quiet, in the background.

So this trip has changed something in me, I have developed positively.
Am a bit disappointed by the colors of the photos, also some things in the pictures did not come out as I wanted them to.

While listening to Sibelius, Symphony #2

A bitter feeling in my mouth, covered with chocolate.
Misery.
Failed, poored, obstructed, complicated.
Rethinking.
Help!
Does nobody hear?
Suicide comes closer.
No. This must not be!
It moves further away,
into the distance...
I want to live.
Live happily.
finally a happy life.

Oh, what the hell.
The change is not complete yet.
Bitter.
Lost time.
Lost words.
Lost feeling.
Desire.
Deep down, high up?
Friction. I get stuck at everything. Distorted, one part pulls down, the other one pushes up.
Wonderful music in the radio: Sibelius Symphony #2, op.43.
Feeling is here, gone again, I don't know what I am writing,
unsure.
No support.
But actually everything is clear
could be
tohuwabohu, mess

I have said what I wanted to reach

I have not reached it

I feel deaf, deaf for everything from outside, for any feeling
I am desperately dead.

I must not write that I have nobody and that nobody likes me - that would be a lie.
Has the dichotomy been solved?
I am still hoping, I miserable...

Deciding my direction

I think I have decided which way to go. There is no hope with B. She avoids me, whereas I keep meeting C in the breaks, in the hallways, constantly.
But I am not really ready... my feelings for B are there, I cannot deny them.
There is no choice, I have to forget B.
C is the future.
I am done with B.
Lots of snowing today, about 10 cm lies there. I love snow!

Mathematics exam

This is the day for which I have tried to tutor B. Her class has the mathematics exam.
It was a disaster.
My tutoring had not helped.
But it does not matter. C is already waiting.
In the past days I always crossed her path somehow... she must have planned her moves. So there is an opportunity there...
It is partially sunny today, the snow from the past days is melting away.

Looser

Another tutoring session was scheduled today. B attended, but then she saw A, and she ran towards him, shouting "please help me, save me". It was all jokingly done, but I felt the serious background. She is moving away. What a difference to the time one month ago, when her parents had asked me to tutor her, and that was the only reason for them to let B to participate in that holiday trip.
No, I blew it completely.
There seems no more hope left. I am a looser.

Tutoring

In the night it was strongly snowing, 5cm snow covered everything in the morning, and then the sun came out.
I love the sight of snow!
I was tutoring B today in one of the hours where I had no lectures scheduled. I made fun of her: put my hand into the water, then touched her face. Her first reaction was a pleasantly surprised smile, as she noticed my had approaching. But a split second later she got angry, when she felt the water on her cheek. And I felt like such an idiot... why did I have to to this? She left the room.
And I have ruined it finally.

Back at school

Today I am back t school, the holidays are over. I am calm, but slightly shaking.
Do not know exactly what I want.
Saw C, also B during the break.

Back from holiday

I am back from the holiday trip, since a few days. Am still recovering from what has been the most significant emotional roller coaster ride in my life so far. Not sure how I can handle this in the next days, weeks to come. The whole trip was only 12 days, but it has changed my life. I feel that I am a different person now. My low blood pressure is no more low. During those 12 days I have been constantly agitated, had been excited, full of energy.

And all was in vain. She is now going out with friends, without me. I am devastated. Well, now it is time to turn the attention to my term paper. It was given many months ago, and I had done nothing. Now is the time to forget about her and to focus on work.

But I cannot focus, I am still shaken. It is just a few days ago that I have done something that I thought I was not able to do: I actually told her. Yes, I told B about my feelings for her. For the first time in my life I did this, telling a girl that I like her. I must be actually proud of myself... but I am not, because I have then shattered all hopes, with my jealeousy, and my stupid pathetic non-acting towards C. Unbelievable... someone up there must have a good laugh. But I am done with "up there". No more praying. No more turn-the-left-cheek when the right one is hit...

She is out with friends today, and I am not there. A is also there, and C. I refused to go, out of principle. But what principle? Am I stupid or what? Which principle am I following here?

I do not know what to do, I need some rest. This holiday will remain in my memory forever. I am still digesting...

Afraid

Tomorrow again everyday life will start, the grey one.
False hopes.
Tears in vain.
Everything in vain.

But there is a new way open.
What about the other one, the one started already?
I am sweating.
Am restless.
Am afraid, of tomorrow.
Am afraid to meet them.
Yes! Best is if everything would be finished.
I hang really crooked in there.
Cannot free myself with my own force.
Am still afraid.
My will has not been fulfilled.
Like always.

Despite this I should really be thankful.
Because I have never in my whole life gone as far as I have now.

For the Future

Everything what happens now is history, has a great meaning for later.
The past 2 weeks have a meaning which is already now recognizable.
I want to record all Beatles songs onto tape. (Because she likes them).
I order a radio program listing.
A lot of things for the future.

Finished

Finished.
I am completely finished.
Totally finished.
Destroyed on the ground.
Fast breath.
Continuous trembling.
Wanting to cry, but it does not work.
Divided.
Two ways, opposite.
Missed chances.
controlled by others.
No own freedom for decision.
Always taking care of the sentiments of others.
I cannot continue anymore.

(cont.)

The relation to my parents is as good as never before.
With one beat there is an honest trust.
I feel weak.
Stand there alone (not true!)
Well, I...
... at least I start everything myself, alone.
It has to work.
A little fear.
So many chances, important, true, deep chances, as never before.
The year 1981 seems to have a lot in stock yet!
The year 1980 had a lot coming.
In a negative sense.
1980 - year of disappointments.
- of dissatisfaction.
- of search.
- of desperation.
- of loosing.
- of maturing.
- of changing.
- of A.
- of hate.
- of love in vain.
- of healing / strengthening.
- of unification.
- of division.

Well, let's go, up into life!
The others are already waiting for me!
(hopefully!)

Back again.

Hello.
I am back again.
Hardly can be recognized.
How should it go on?
First a brief summary (even though I am disgusted by such a textual procedure):
I have drunk, I have become more independent. Every day I have made entries into the diary which for the stranger are hardly understandable; I was often alone, sometimes loosely integrated, rarely but at least sometimes very closely engaged.
I have dared something what I have never dared before in my life. I still cannot understand it.
The consequences: up to now no significant.
That is the disappointing thing. It finished so well (or it began so well, depends how to look at it).
It is (mostly) my fault. Those strange relationships.

Day 12.

Packing the luggage in the morning. Getting ready. There is a thick snow layer outside. It stopped snowing, the sun is shining brightly. What a contrast to my own mood.

When I met B accidentally I tell her "B, I would like to apologise". She replies "What for?" I say "I do not know..." And I really do not know. What have I done wrong? Where did I make my mistake(s)? I do not know.

We are waiting for the bus to arrive. B and Ch are jokingly fighting in the communal room. It appears to me that they are fighting for me. Ridiculous thought.

In the bus I sit a few rows in front of St and B. Ch just takes the seat next to me.

1:30pm departure. Bye.

These were the most intensively lived days in my life so far. I had done things which I never did before. I went beyond reason. Went further than ever before. But not far enough.

Everything seemed possible, but now everything is going the wrong way. Ch sits next to me, talks. I have trouble listening. Shall I just get up and go back to B? No, I am not that mean to Ch.

1 hour before arrival I do go back to B, talk a little to B and St. Then suddenly B takes out a large money bill. Payment for my tutoring, from their parents. I refuse to take this. "But if you do not take it, then our friendship will stop" B says. Which friendship???? But still, this argument convinces me, and I take the money.

7pm we arrive. Our parents are waiting. I am back in my actual reality.

It seems to me that I have lost my laughter. Everything was in vain.

Day 11.

I did not sleep the whole night. I did daydream the whole time all the various scenarios how I would tell B that I have feelings for her. She probably knows it anyway, but I need to explicitly say it to her. In my mind I play all the variations, with positive response, with negative response. I cannot fall asleep, am awake the whole night.

In the morning when I get up, I am very excited. I will say it to her today! I will exceed all my limitations.

For me this is a very big thing. It might be nothing for anybody else, who has not developed into this shy boy that I am. Others are much more outgoing. But I have developed into a quiet boy, reluctant to share feelings. In school during class I have often trouble articulating responses. I do feel uncomfortable giving talks, when required in some classes. Not sure why... fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed. But why? It does not really matter of all the other assholes make fun of me - they still remain assholes. I try to tell me that, but I am still shy.

This is going to change today. I even do not mind anymore if anyone else is present.

I am looking for B. There she is. But I have again an attack of my shyness, and I do not approach her. A few more good opportunities pass by. I am getting angry with myself now. This time I will not stop, will not let my fear dictate what I can do. I am in a short-circuit mood. An inner short-circuit is required, which would shut down all my alert systems, all my prevention-mechanisms which have worked "so well" in all these months and years. Now I will ignore everything.

My heart pumps very fast and hart. I believe my blood pressure is up. These past few years I had low blood pressure. Was regularly taking these tables. Now this winter vacation must have cured this. I did not take a single tablet these past 11 days.

I am walking up and down the stairs, without any real purpose, just to capture a good opportunity. I pretend that I have some business, either up in the roof, or down in the cellar. If someone could watch this independently, they would have a good laugh. One could make a comedy about this.

Sometimes A is there too, sometimes St, sometimes others. Damned. No time or opportunity alone with you.

Then, I see B again. This time she is finally alone. Now is the time. I walk to her, tell her "B, please come here, I have to tell you something". She comes, somewhat irritated "what is now?" I slowly speak to her, look her into the eyes "B, I just wanted to tell you that I like you very much, despite everything"

It is done. I have spoken to her.

She looks startled, without believe, then her face lightens up. She smiles, her face seems to beam for joy. Very quiet she whispers "Great!" we look into each other's eyes. Move closer to each other. I take her hand, she is very warm, I press it. Suddenly B moves away, goes into her room.

This was the actual highlight of this winter holiday. I have said it to her.

The whole day we ski on the local slopes. I want again to be close to her, want to "follow up". Now that I have broken the barrier, there should be no limit. I shall say more, talk to her. B and St are again with A and M. And I realise that B still has her own wall around herself. I am trying to do at least one lift ride with her, but she almost openly refuses.

I am upset, offended. I go now alone, race down the slopes. Was that again a theatre this morning???

Then I am joining another group. There is Ch, the sister of R. Now I decide to spend time with her. Yes, I can also show B that I am independent of her, that I can also go another way. I ski the whole remaining day with Ch, who apparently enjoys the attention. Ch is a nice girl, intelligent, but is not my type. I have no resonance. There is possibly more resonance with St.

B only goes skiing with A. So what is the theatre B is playing? Was this in the morning theatre, her response to me? It seemed real, authentic. In this case her behaviour now must be theatre, her skiing with A. Does B now have feelings for me, or does she not?

I realise that I really understand nothing about girls' behavior. I will have to learn a lot still. Ch now accompanies me everywhere, even as I return my rented skis into the sports shop.

Back in the lodge I pack my things. I still do not get it. I have exceeded, have tried hard, and still no result.

I take the math books which are hers, and want to return them. I knock at B's door, she is in, alone. I did not expect this, but ok, Good. Nice. But this time I am reluctant. I do not want a repeat of this morning's humiliation. She jumps up, comes quickly to the door. Stands in the door frame, across from me, looks into my eyes. Looks at me very intensly, with a smile. Very seductively. I am confused. Again theatre? I do not want to fall for this again. But I already begin to melt. She looks as if she is waiting for a kiss, for a hug, and I am ready. Now is the time, the opportunity to make the dreams come true. But her overall contradicting behavior does not leave my mind. I cannot get out of my mind the images of her skiing all the time with A. I am shortly deliberating, but my brain is not really functioning any more. I should have hugged her, should have kissed her. But all I could say was "B, why did you go today all the time with A? Why?" She innocently says "Have I? I did not notice". I am waiting for a more reasonable answer. But none comes. Her eyes look down, she turns away, moves back into her room.

And I stand there, immediately realising that I now blew it. I should have not asked this stupid question but should have played along. But now it is done. This seems to be over. I did miss my chance.

But then, what chance? She was obviously playing some kind of theatre. Either with me, or with A. I do not want to be a part of this theatre, I want to play it honestly. I had to ask her. I had to make her aware that I have noticed her behaviour. I could not have just been silent and ignoring it. Or should I have?


I am desperate. In the communal room I look at B. She looks straight, avoiding eye contact. Ch looks at me, I am avoiding eye contact. I drink several cups of alcoholic punch. Outside it is again snowing heavily, thick flakes fall down. A group decides to go for a walk. I join them, keep in the back. The snow is so thick, one cannot see very far. I reduce my tempo of walking until they are out of sight. Then I turn towards the cemetery. For the last time I go there, tell my friends everything, let my tears roll. Never before have I cried so much in such a short time period as here during this winter holiday. I think I have cried here as much as in my whole previous life alltogether. I thank my dead friends for the confidence which these nightly visits to the cemetery have given me. I say good-bye to them, farewell. Maybe I will be back some time in the future, when I will be happy eventually. I promise them that I will work hard to make everything good.

The snowfall is really heavy, one almost cannot see further than 10 meters. I slowly walk back. Farewell party in the lodge. B is not here. Ch is here, looks and smiles at me. This was not what I had hoped for in this winter vacation.