Day 11.

I did not sleep the whole night. I did daydream the whole time all the various scenarios how I would tell B that I have feelings for her. She probably knows it anyway, but I need to explicitly say it to her. In my mind I play all the variations, with positive response, with negative response. I cannot fall asleep, am awake the whole night.

In the morning when I get up, I am very excited. I will say it to her today! I will exceed all my limitations.

For me this is a very big thing. It might be nothing for anybody else, who has not developed into this shy boy that I am. Others are much more outgoing. But I have developed into a quiet boy, reluctant to share feelings. In school during class I have often trouble articulating responses. I do feel uncomfortable giving talks, when required in some classes. Not sure why... fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed. But why? It does not really matter of all the other assholes make fun of me - they still remain assholes. I try to tell me that, but I am still shy.

This is going to change today. I even do not mind anymore if anyone else is present.

I am looking for B. There she is. But I have again an attack of my shyness, and I do not approach her. A few more good opportunities pass by. I am getting angry with myself now. This time I will not stop, will not let my fear dictate what I can do. I am in a short-circuit mood. An inner short-circuit is required, which would shut down all my alert systems, all my prevention-mechanisms which have worked "so well" in all these months and years. Now I will ignore everything.

My heart pumps very fast and hart. I believe my blood pressure is up. These past few years I had low blood pressure. Was regularly taking these tables. Now this winter vacation must have cured this. I did not take a single tablet these past 11 days.

I am walking up and down the stairs, without any real purpose, just to capture a good opportunity. I pretend that I have some business, either up in the roof, or down in the cellar. If someone could watch this independently, they would have a good laugh. One could make a comedy about this.

Sometimes A is there too, sometimes St, sometimes others. Damned. No time or opportunity alone with you.

Then, I see B again. This time she is finally alone. Now is the time. I walk to her, tell her "B, please come here, I have to tell you something". She comes, somewhat irritated "what is now?" I slowly speak to her, look her into the eyes "B, I just wanted to tell you that I like you very much, despite everything"

It is done. I have spoken to her.

She looks startled, without believe, then her face lightens up. She smiles, her face seems to beam for joy. Very quiet she whispers "Great!" we look into each other's eyes. Move closer to each other. I take her hand, she is very warm, I press it. Suddenly B moves away, goes into her room.

This was the actual highlight of this winter holiday. I have said it to her.

The whole day we ski on the local slopes. I want again to be close to her, want to "follow up". Now that I have broken the barrier, there should be no limit. I shall say more, talk to her. B and St are again with A and M. And I realise that B still has her own wall around herself. I am trying to do at least one lift ride with her, but she almost openly refuses.

I am upset, offended. I go now alone, race down the slopes. Was that again a theatre this morning???

Then I am joining another group. There is Ch, the sister of R. Now I decide to spend time with her. Yes, I can also show B that I am independent of her, that I can also go another way. I ski the whole remaining day with Ch, who apparently enjoys the attention. Ch is a nice girl, intelligent, but is not my type. I have no resonance. There is possibly more resonance with St.

B only goes skiing with A. So what is the theatre B is playing? Was this in the morning theatre, her response to me? It seemed real, authentic. In this case her behaviour now must be theatre, her skiing with A. Does B now have feelings for me, or does she not?

I realise that I really understand nothing about girls' behavior. I will have to learn a lot still. Ch now accompanies me everywhere, even as I return my rented skis into the sports shop.

Back in the lodge I pack my things. I still do not get it. I have exceeded, have tried hard, and still no result.

I take the math books which are hers, and want to return them. I knock at B's door, she is in, alone. I did not expect this, but ok, Good. Nice. But this time I am reluctant. I do not want a repeat of this morning's humiliation. She jumps up, comes quickly to the door. Stands in the door frame, across from me, looks into my eyes. Looks at me very intensly, with a smile. Very seductively. I am confused. Again theatre? I do not want to fall for this again. But I already begin to melt. She looks as if she is waiting for a kiss, for a hug, and I am ready. Now is the time, the opportunity to make the dreams come true. But her overall contradicting behavior does not leave my mind. I cannot get out of my mind the images of her skiing all the time with A. I am shortly deliberating, but my brain is not really functioning any more. I should have hugged her, should have kissed her. But all I could say was "B, why did you go today all the time with A? Why?" She innocently says "Have I? I did not notice". I am waiting for a more reasonable answer. But none comes. Her eyes look down, she turns away, moves back into her room.

And I stand there, immediately realising that I now blew it. I should have not asked this stupid question but should have played along. But now it is done. This seems to be over. I did miss my chance.

But then, what chance? She was obviously playing some kind of theatre. Either with me, or with A. I do not want to be a part of this theatre, I want to play it honestly. I had to ask her. I had to make her aware that I have noticed her behaviour. I could not have just been silent and ignoring it. Or should I have?


I am desperate. In the communal room I look at B. She looks straight, avoiding eye contact. Ch looks at me, I am avoiding eye contact. I drink several cups of alcoholic punch. Outside it is again snowing heavily, thick flakes fall down. A group decides to go for a walk. I join them, keep in the back. The snow is so thick, one cannot see very far. I reduce my tempo of walking until they are out of sight. Then I turn towards the cemetery. For the last time I go there, tell my friends everything, let my tears roll. Never before have I cried so much in such a short time period as here during this winter holiday. I think I have cried here as much as in my whole previous life alltogether. I thank my dead friends for the confidence which these nightly visits to the cemetery have given me. I say good-bye to them, farewell. Maybe I will be back some time in the future, when I will be happy eventually. I promise them that I will work hard to make everything good.

The snowfall is really heavy, one almost cannot see further than 10 meters. I slowly walk back. Farewell party in the lodge. B is not here. Ch is here, looks and smiles at me. This was not what I had hoped for in this winter vacation.