Eastersunday

After a long writing pause I take again this booklet and continue to make entries where I stopped. I am still alive, it goes on, I am cooler, disillusioned, weak, cowardly, but I am writing again in this book.
March was a silent month. In contrast to last year. Sometimes I was thinking about the past, about what happened exactly a year ago. But only sometimes. It all seems to be so far in the past. Much closer is the more recent past, the winter trip etc.
Yes, even I should be over it, I am still often thinking about it. Cannot cry anymore, even though I tried it recently sometimes.
I am empty.
Nothing has changed.
My "letter", the catastrophy, gone, done, end.
But not yet completely, only from 21.March, the evening hiking.
Then it was finally over, out, gone.
New hope, but it does not really ignite with me. Just rarely in a few moments: concerts, theatre, walks, all that should touch me and move me. But it does not.
I do not love C.
Cannot do anything about it.
But I must try!

Yes, this is how a live.
Even got a present from her, a Easter nest. Made me happy. She loves me. What a pity for her.
(I am mean, I know. I try to hide it...)
I am in love with nobody now anymore, maybe except with myself.
The consequences of the winter trip are even more significant than those of April 1980.
Well, in the coming summer, at the meditation course, I should get cured again. Am looking forward to playing the organ!
So, now I will continue the writing tradition.
Hope I will soon be better!