High Expectation - and a bit crazy

I no not care anymore about the whole usual rhythm of the year.
At Christmas I did not let myself been carried away by the kitschy cute mood, and now the whole carneval season does not touch me at all.
Everybody is cheery, makes fun and jokes, on TV, on radio.
I instead, fighting my inner struggles, know what I want.
I will drive to town, to pick her up.
I love her, I know it.
And C?
I no not know.
I believe that I have to treat her very badly, so that she is scared away from me. I cannot tell her.
Let's see what I am going to do now.

I did a stupid thing...

Ha, ha, ha, hihihi, bah!
Serves you right.
No, so stupid, silly, I must have been crazy!
Since a few days I had this "great" idea. First I wanted to write her a letter, a real long one, with everything in it what I wanted to say.
Well, then I had the even better idea to just call.
My parents were out since 18:15, so no witnesses.
First was my shyness there, which appeared to increase, I was more and more afraid doing it, until I gave myself a push, got up from watching TV, and went to the phone.
I knew the number from heart, had memorized it.
First busy.
Then again busy.
Still busy.
Then finally my call came through.
Now "yes, youth hostel here"
I ask for the class that stays here, but before I can tell details, the person already disappears... I hear the speaker in the background calling out the group... how embarrassing! Now probably one of the teachers will come to the phone. I am going to hang up. But I do not hang up - I can just leave a message... what message should I leave? yes, something about next Saturday, something about a schedule change then. After a while a person comes back, says "there seems nobody to be there". Ok, I am relieved. No embarrassment. But also no success.
After 10 minutes I try it again.
The call goes through again. Now I will not make the mistake again, I will just give her name and will let Bee call out. I spell her name, then waiting. I think about what to say...
then a deep voice "hello"
that is not her...
who is there?
it is in fact one of the teachers.... now I am in trouble. I follow my previous plan then, tell him about the Saturday appointment that is going to be moved. Ok, he will tell her.
That went well. But I am embarrassed... that was a real joke what I did.
What will Bee think when she gets the message? from her teacher?
I am really an idiot. But I will be there, when they come back on Saturday evening.
Despite being quite embarrassed and finding my own action stupid and hilarious, I am glad that I did it. I have finally taken the initiative into my hand!

Planning - all gone wrong

Oh no, I have to say... your talent in pre-planning is ingenious! How you did manage to plan this so well...!

You wanted to visit Bee today. No matter what reason, just like that. But then you actually found a reason: a poster about studying industrial design. She could be interested in that!

So, writing down everything, after trying in vain to find out who did hang that poster.

Then the intent: today to Bee.
Excuse at home: need to do some shopping. Therefore I will be later. Also have to go to the optician.
Thursday I have one hour free in the morning, so I do the shopping then. Means after the Cello lesson I have time for something else. Ingenious!

Everything was planned very well. But also ingenious is to ignore the little mishaps which can happen.

In practice that is how that looked today:
Did my shopping ok, even escaped Ch fine. But while biking, the right pedal at the bike started to become loose.
Ok, tightening it, but gets loose again. Need some tools to fix it better. go to a bicycle store, borrow something, and really am able to fix it. Need to turn the bicycle upside down.

Then it happens: the chain touches my white shirt and makes it dirty with black grease. Damned!
That is not how I can visit Bee.

Am fixing the pedal with the tools, I drive off, but after a short while the pedal again gets loose. I pedal carefully, but nothing helps: the pedal falls off.

Finished? No. Try again to fix the pedal. Put a sweater on, despite the warmth (to hide my dirty shirt).

After the Cello lesson I try again: the pedal seems to hold. But as I am trying to drive to Bee, it falls again off.

The friendly and helpful A gives me a lift: with his bicycle he pulls me the 2 miles home.

So much for my plan.

Tomorrow it will be more difficult. I have no more excuses, timing will be different and difficult. Really annoying.
But it does not matter. I will visit her. I will give signs. It shall not end like in January, where I was too slow to react.

When I look back, then everything looks different since the last 2 weeks. Memories for later: short holiday, Janacek, clouds, bicycle, during breaks always inside etc.

We will see!

A break from her

She is gone now for one week.
Going skiing, with her class, into the mountains. I have time to think.
I have decided: I want to be with her.
No C anymore, I have avoided her in this past week.
My attempts to meet Bee, to "hit on her" have been in vain, but I will not give up.
I have decided that I want to be with her. Bee is just so wonderful. I love her way, her looks, her interest, her laugh. She has a horrible singing voice, but I love it. I am crazy about her, I want to be with her, want to kiss her.
I cannot wait until she is back next Saturday.

Courage - and Disappointment

Today I was at her home.
Of course I did not do what I had wanted to do, I just was in a normal conversation with her.
But at least I was there.
Of course, before I could go to her, C tried everything possible, to prevent me from going.
I of course was too weak to resist, to tell her clearly what is going on.
I will probably never be able to do that.
But despite that I drove to Bee.

Then later, in the town...
I saw her standing with that guy Wolfgang...!
"Oh, you again" she said to me.

If that does not drive anyone to suicide...
But I still am alive.

Left by everyone (except by C) I move on, maybe she will accompany me.
If she too is not soon sick of me.

For crying out loud!
God has won.
I have lost.
The personal will has been defeated.
By the Christian conscience.
Again and again I have tried and attempted.
Again and again I failed.
It was over my head, I could not do it.
Such a difficult thing is just too much for me.
Suicide? Maybe. No!
First I will become (un)happy with C.
Oh man, I almost was crying!

Today I will dare it!

Today an unusual time for writing here, early in the morning.
Today I have planned something.
Already Monday I tried, in vain.
Failed on myself.
Tuesday there was no possibility.
Today is Wednesday.
Right after school.
I love you, Bee, even when I try to deny it.
C loves me, even when this twist is cruel.
Today I will decide for the first option.
Hopefully I have enough strength!
The image of C appears. I feel so sorry for her.
But today I have to dare it!

Found the way

So. I have decided.
I had the choice: either to enforce my own will, and hereby letting someone sitting alone,
or to forget about my will and to give in to somebody else, where again I would hurt someone.
I have decided for the 2nd option. Even though Bee was friendly to me and looked at me, I let her go.
Oh god, how disgusted I am about myself, about what I am writing here!
This materialism!
Well, I went for a walk with C.
She likes me, I know.
and Bee? I do not know.
Those women!
Always they have to whisper with each other, also about me, they talk about their problems, about such problems which I only entrust to this diary here.
That is sometimes upsetting.
Strange, I have found my way.
Will I be happy?

Building bridges

With which shout should I open this entry?
Ha!
Today I was showing it to everybody.
Stop, I have to begin with yesterday. Actually the day before yesterday.
Wednesday. C was visiting the stock exchange with her class, an excursion into the city. Then, yesterday, a card from here at home on my desk!
Then I knew what that meant.
I ignored B, met with C in a movie, then also in the evening with the gang.
And today? Like yesterday, but...
I built bridges. To everywhere.
During the break I was with A. Then with C. After school was with St., and then visited even Bee! Look and see - she even was friendly, she obviously was happy about it. And then I visited H. Quite a lot for one day!
I have acted egotistically, opportunistically, securing myself in every direction, and probably have laid the foundation for some terrible situations in the future!

nothing

The km counter on my bicycle is now at 4500.
It was raining today, some hail, stormy.
The river water was raising, some flooding along the river bank.

Ouh!

Ouihuau!
What is that?
No!
Why do I have to discover obstacles everywhere, built for me by god?
But why am I complaining?
I actually have it quite good, am quite healthy, not handicapped, I have actually a good life.
I have the whole power in my hands.
I only would need to put more effort in, not be such a coward!
Forward!
Hahaha - to where?
But I have it so good! Compared to others.
Everybody has sorrows. I begin to see that.
What was god thinking when creating human?

So.

So.
(didn't I start already a few entries with "so"?)
I cannot think of anything that expresses my plain dispair better.
So again: So.
That is done.
She came yesterday, at the carneval party of our gang, as "Queen". Well, sort of.
I thought she had the best costume of all. Twice I had the pleasure of dancing with her. Then her new guy... that was enough to bring me to the edge of crying.
But it was actually a good party, the best since quite a while.
Because in my despair I forgot about my inhibitions. I really let myself go. Danced with H, also danced crazy with K. And then danced with A. Well, until 10:30pm I did not even know her name!
So, and now God, or fate, or life, or whatever I shall call this force, or I myself have reached the state in which I have never wanted to be. I have sunk down to become quite the average mass human. Going for a few weeks with this girl, then for a few weeks with that girl. I never wanted to be like that. To me that seemed like the worst in the world, mean towards other humans.
But now I am like this myself. Being forced.
I know one thing" my heart I will not anymore give away so quickly!
(Puh, strange to write such a nonsense, but nothing better occurred to me)
For now I have enough.
Bee, farewell.
with your new guy, or with whomever.
But despite this it was quite funny yesterday!
And it confirmed my thoughts about god's acting in the world! Poor K! Poor J!
I am not the only one who constantly fails.
God allows this, completely unashamed. Maybe he even laughs then about our stupidity.
But it happens
How K was crying yesterday when dancing! I recognized myself so much in this.
But at that time my crying break down had already been gone.
So, and now I will continue to live without soul.
Not sure if I will continue writing the book that I planned.
Well, everything is quite pointless.



I knew J and K for quite a while. J has been in my class, but he had moved then to another town, I rarely saw him. But he is a nice guy, I like him. Not as pretentious as others, not as macho or jerk-like, but real sensitive. And reasonable. And still quite a guy, not a sissy. That is why K must have fallen in love with him. I knew here already for a few years. She is quite attractive, pretty, but has quite many boyfriends. I have not counted. But now with J it seemed to be finally a more stable relationship. That is why she was then crying. Not sure what actually happened. They were both desperate. J was in the kitchen, looking sad, confused, and I - I of all people - was there to give him some consolation. He seemed helpless. Not sure who left whom, if J finished the relationship, or K. I did not ask, and neither he nor she did not tell. I guess I will never find out...

A wonderful ballet: Petrushka

In our school, students from the 10th grade upward are given the opportunity to participate in a monthly subscription to opera/theatre/ballet performances. For me this is now already the 3rd year that I am taking part in these, and I have learned so much from it and have enjoyed these performances very much.
Yesterday evening was again one of those performances. I had to choose if I would attend the big school carneval party, or if I would go to the ballet. Many of my friends choose the party. I, however, was fed up with people, with partying, with relationship and stuff, and I was glad to escape this whole situation for one evening. A few weeks ago I had heard on the radio a performance of Stravinsky's ballet suite "Petrushka" performed by two piano players, and it sounded wonderful to me! So energetic, so exciting rhythms, so wonderful sounds and harmonies. I was, therefore, looking forward very much to hear the full orchestral version for the very first time, and at the same time to see the whole thing performed as a ballet.

These theatre excursions also have been always very exciting for me: it was a short break-out from the small town life into the big city. The ride on the bus takes about one hour. Driving along the river downstream, then entering the motorway for a while, then the exit. Meanwhile it is already dark, and the nightly illumination of the streets somehow adds to excitement for me as we drive through the suburbs towards the city centre. I press my face against the window, trying to capture all that there is to see. The bit stone grinders shop which always has a lot of marble gravestones on display, together with some tacky marble statues. The orange lit traffic intersections, so much bigger than in my little home town. The tramways passing by. And then, towards the centre, some skyscrapers, fully lit offices inside. Getting off at the theatre, I am excited as always. The smell of rubber from the entrance to the subway always makes me wanting to go down there and take a ride.

The theatre is a modern building, with a large glass front towards a public square and a balcony there to go out. I love to just walk out there during the intermission, look down at the square, up to the skyline of the sky scrapers around. A feel of "big wide world" is there, open, with opportunities. Not like in my little cosy provincial home town.

First there is the ballet Orpheus - I am not very thrilled. But after the intermission Strawinsky's ballet Petruschka is being performed. I am stunned. Have never seen a ballet before, just some excerpts on TV, and then I was not too excited about those pirouettes and stylised dance forms. But this here was very expressive, all emotions put directly into motion. And the music... I love it so much! The story about that dumb clown Petrushka who is in love with that silly dancing girl, who is in turn just attracted by the dashing other guy... I can so identify with this. Is always the same.

C is also here in the group. B decided to go to the school party. This again indicates something against my wishes... but what can I do? C is very interested in the "finer things" in life, into intellectual discussions, into art, society. We have a lot to talk about. But B is so much more "dashing"... I have just fallen for her. Maybe I am the silly dancer here...?
This is also something that concerns me so much, that inhibits all my moves: I face two fronts. On one hand I want to win B, want to be with her, and she not with me. On the other hand, C wants to be with me, and I not with her. So I am double making something wrong... should I just turn? 180 deg, as I have considered in the past 2 weeks? Maybe...

But for now I want to forget about my own little problems, and I enjoy the feelings which this wonderful music gives to me. I wish I could write a music like this...

Afraid

I am afraid of later, of tonight. she was ill, sick at home, not at school on Thursday, Friday. On Thursday I drove up the hill to her home, just until one street below. Then I returned. With deliberation. Before that change of mind I wanted to visit her. But thne I decided against it.
Friday I drove up higher, again with the intention to visit her. Drove this time hither up until to her street, then I continued. Took another turn. I did not want to go to her. Down the road again. Was afraid to meet her new guy, or her class mate. I would have felt ashamed, she would have felt ashamed, the others would have felt ashamed, and it would have been useless. Like the other few times when I was there. But now I am angry. Because it really means the end. well, it is almost anyway down at zero. But I cannot make the 180 deg turn. I know it exactly, I hang in between, sensible for anything. And for nothing.
Afraid of tonight.
But it cannot get any worse! It is already so bad!
There is only upward movement possible, up in any direction.
Afraid!

Decision against B

B is still sick.
Again I decided against visiting here. I was considering it, but then deliberately chose not to.

Restless

In these last weeks after "the holiday trip" I have been using my bicycle very often, despite the winter weather, through snow and rain. It gave me the freedom to roam around, to hide my desperately looking face in the wind and rain, it allowed me to seek quite places where I could just sit down without anyone disturbing me in my lonely desperation. I have often cycled to that wooden bench outside of the town, just at the foot of the hill, under the high voltage power line, with a view of the river valley. I liked it there, nobody came by here. And I cried there. Is quite embarassing for a man to do it, and do admit it. Sometimes for half an hour. I was without any support inside, trying to cling onto something that did not exist. Powerless, no way to change the situation, through my weak personality, my shy behavior, my lack of self confidence.
Sometimes I also went to the modern church in the neighboring town. I had been there about 10 months ago, Easter 1980, and I liked the structure. Inside it felt like in a large wooden tent. Now in these days I went there quite often, enjoying the silence inside, the protectedness. Despite my argument with god.
I liked the smell of candles. Especially I liked to sit near this window of blue stained glass patches, that formed an abstract pattern. The dark blue light coming through this window gave me some hope, some consolation. In a very abstract way.
I sat there, and as soon as I looked into this blue glass, the tears started running. No stopping, I could not control it. I felt desperate.
After about an hour I usually left, went back to school, to the places where the actual life went on. And continued to struggle.
Quite pathetic, the whole situation.

An ambitious plan

I have an ambitious plan: I want to write a book.
Or better said, a story. "The Trip".
First I will collate all my diary entries from that time, then I will form them into a novel.
A really ambitious undertaking!
Btw, B is ill today and was not at school.
I have not even asked what she has.
Wanted to visit her, but on the way my bicycle tire went flat, so I had to return just before the uphill slope to her home.
A sign?
I had thought about it, I could have continued, but then I decided to turn around.
It would not have made any sense, it would have been pointless lite my two other visits lately.
Maybe I also would have met R there, and I wanted to spare me this meeting.
Ok, on with the novel!

Will I be happy?

Do you believe that you will be happy?
How?
Well, there was the 180 deg turn. Now focussing on C.
But I am still hanging somewhere, did not free myself yet completely.
Am relatively cold, the feeling is close to 0. I noticed this today.
I will try to completely free myself.
Even when I may not be completely happy then.
May not be able to get happy.
Because of the new opportunistic life attitude.
This attitude is not yet established well.
Hopefully something finally happens that removes this attitude again.

A 180 degree turn

Careful, keep holding onto something! 
I am making a sharp turn, 180 deg.
I have had enough.
I am changing.
Am nto an idiot!
Now she can see how she continues... unfortunately I will have to continue to tutor here, as I have already been paid by her mother.
But I will show them. So!
A while ago I would have been discusted of myself. Just switching like this.
But I have learnt.
God has taught me what I have to do in this world.
Today it went quite ok.
After the 6th class hour leaving the classroom, looking along the hallway, whod no I see? R. oh no, R!
B, you will see how you will run into disaster with R!
Should I tell you, B?
Should I tell you wjat R said about you during our holiday trip?
WEll, I was like struck by lighting down the stairs, onto the bicycle, through the strong rain, well, too strong to cycle around, so back into the school again, I am completely wet.
Then C comes along, shows me her math exam.
So.
I am becoming an opportunist.

Desperate

I cannot stand it anymore. The more I think about it, the more I dig myself into a downward spiral of desparation.
What is B doing? Saturday evening, she suddenly was always near R. A new development. 
R. A. I am going mad.
The situation seems to be finished.
Built, obstructed.
I am completely lost in all my actions / nonactions. 
I know what I want!
Cannot anymore... the trip, the catastophy.
No hope anymore.
I cannot cry at all, dry.
Maybe I will soon be dead, having jumped down through a window.
I am tired. tired of life.
But there is still that little spark of hope in me, which keesp me alive.
It is her, B.
But in reality there are so many possibilities!
But I cannot anymore.
I will not go to the school celebration this week. I know this since this past cruel Wednesday. Instead I will go to the theatre. 
Yesterday and today I was studying like crazy. Math, Social, etc. I am afraid of the coming math exam.

Lots of studying

Over the weekend I studied a lot for school. We had again some exams coming up, and my grades seemed slipping. I could not concentrate much, was always thinking about B. Fortunately C was not there on Friday evening, at K's party.
The good mood that had come last Thursday was only short lived. I am back again in deep depression, everything is senseless. I do not know what to do, how to move forward. Whad should I do regarding B? How can I avoid C's approaches and advances? I am stuck between these two, just am somehow not adjusted to reality.