Disappointed from god

In our apartment, the parents have decided to do a big makeover. The kitchen is empty, a big mess is everywhere.
New wall paper will be put onto the walls.

I was trying to revive my short-circuit capability, to meet B in the break.
But nothing. C had spotted me, and was walking with me. So when I would have followed my short-circuit plan, I would have let her stand there, and would have moved towards B. But no, I did not do that. Did not want to hurt C.

What an idiot I am!
Why could I not follow through?

I have been brought up very religiously. I was a strong believer during my childhood.
Every evening a prayer.
But I must have had the wrong idea about god and his influence on my life.
Right now, my faith appears not important and not dominant anymore. I am disappointed. Of god, of faith.
I have prayed, but did not find any relation anymore.
The innermost basis is destroyed.
There is anyway a big mess inside me, and I am trying to make a it of an order there, to sort things out.
I seem to succeed a bit, but not much.
At least I know what I want.
But always something interferes.
For the next days: these will be short-circuit days.
Sometime it must succeed.
I am disappointed of god.
I had built so much onto a hopeless basis.
How many people believe in god and trust him in anything.
They go through life and always feel confirmed in their belief.
But all is only appearance. deception, everything is in vain, emptiness behind, Nothing.
For the first time in my life this thought does not shake me.
I take it as given., have to try to come to terms with it.
I know I will not succeed in it.
But I will survive, will sneak through life, circumvent barriers, but will probably bump with my head always at some wall, some corner, like always, I know it...
But now I have nobody to put the blame onto.
Currently I feel nothing, no hate, or do I?
Checking... there is a lot of love feeling.
Dissapointed from god.
Like so often.
Always the same song...