Restless

In these last weeks after "the holiday trip" I have been using my bicycle very often, despite the winter weather, through snow and rain. It gave me the freedom to roam around, to hide my desperately looking face in the wind and rain, it allowed me to seek quite places where I could just sit down without anyone disturbing me in my lonely desperation. I have often cycled to that wooden bench outside of the town, just at the foot of the hill, under the high voltage power line, with a view of the river valley. I liked it there, nobody came by here. And I cried there. Is quite embarassing for a man to do it, and do admit it. Sometimes for half an hour. I was without any support inside, trying to cling onto something that did not exist. Powerless, no way to change the situation, through my weak personality, my shy behavior, my lack of self confidence.
Sometimes I also went to the modern church in the neighboring town. I had been there about 10 months ago, Easter 1980, and I liked the structure. Inside it felt like in a large wooden tent. Now in these days I went there quite often, enjoying the silence inside, the protectedness. Despite my argument with god.
I liked the smell of candles. Especially I liked to sit near this window of blue stained glass patches, that formed an abstract pattern. The dark blue light coming through this window gave me some hope, some consolation. In a very abstract way.
I sat there, and as soon as I looked into this blue glass, the tears started running. No stopping, I could not control it. I felt desperate.
After about an hour I usually left, went back to school, to the places where the actual life went on. And continued to struggle.
Quite pathetic, the whole situation.