Loving-in-vain

Just now it was terrible.
Ch is in love with me.
She told me about her problems with her parents
We were often together.

That stupid little guy asked me the question "Is Ch now your new sweetheart?"
Stupid, I am angry as hell. Not only by the overall content (I know that I do not love her), but also by the insinuation of "new". I must look like a fool to anyone else...

Conclusion:
Love-in-vain is not only terrible for the loving person, but also for the loved person.
Remember this for the future!

Change is everywhere

Yesterday I had a strange feeling. I did feel thankful, just thankful for the beautiful weather, which was just right for taking pictures. Thankful that we had not to go into worship service. Lots of little things.

I do not know whom to thank.
With god I have broken.
But whom else? I do not know.

In this moment I do not know how I feel.
Nothing happened.
Everything ok.
And still I do have an uneasy feeling.

Everything is changing.
The house at the corner down the road had been without plaster for ages, since I can think back. Now it is getting plastered. This complete an era, the era of my youth.
At school there is construction, the radiators are gone, the ones on which we sat when I was "tutoring".

The construction in the read of the school buildings is gone, where we had laughed. Well, this was transitory in principle.

Everything is changing.
Also the people.

Some thoughts

In recent weeks, in comparison to earlier (1/2 year ago) I have written down very little.
I did not feel like it. Did not know what I should write. But now I believe that it is time to summarize:

I have changed.
Am actually only a wrack, in many accidents damaged and mutilated.
But I am still alive.

My view of the world has changed.
I can live without god.
He does not mean anything for me anymore.
I have realized some things, for example that an average person needs the belief in supernatural being!
Only then one is balanced.

I am not balanced, am easily thrown back and forth. In former times I was a rock, I was resting in myself, selfcontent.
All that is dissolved now, gone. My view about love has changed. The two great examinations in my life have destroyed everything.
Love is for the most part dependent on superficial things. That is bitter, I know. For a long time I too did not want to believe it!
I was idealistic, did believe in the power of love, until the final moment!

Pointless!
Love is something with which we satisfy our own needs, for example by tenderness.
There is also the other love, the love towards a human being, towards a YOU. But I believe that I myself never had it. S was really pretty I did prefer her to H.
Bee also was pretty, even though I often tried to persuade myself that she has an ugly voice and that I loved here despite this. I did prefer her to Ch.
Ch is not pretty. And I do not love her. Well, now I approach things with a different measure.

Girls want to be exploited!
Like Bee!
Any idealism is there of no use!
I have decided. For now I remain free, internally. Externally I "go" with Ch, to make her happy and to give her a nice illusion. But it will not last much longer.
H did get more and more pretty recently! Yes, only material thinking pays off. The idealistic thinking only brings disappointment.

I have to learn to be more cheeky with girls. Because that is what they expect!

I am too old

It is really a joke!
I just watched a movie on TV where the moral was that the older guy gives up for the sake of the younger guy! Hahaha!
The older one is not standing in the way of happiness of the two younger ones. Hahaha! I am too old!

Busy and exhausted

After playing piano I am always completely exhausted. I have tried something new, a faster tempo.
Today I am completely finished! Have worked on my presentation, classes until 5pm, yesterday evening going out to a pub, until midnight.
It seems they have met again and have talked to each other, Bee and C!
Yesterday, after classes, C came to our classroom, in the hallway where she usually has no business! She had only a C in her math exam.
On Monday I had avoided meeting her at all cost.
Well, I am not yet better, I am still physically ill.
To hell with it!

Again Religious

Since Friday, 1.May, I am praying to god again. The trust in him had been reconstitutet completely at the next morning, but was put to a serious test the same evening.
But I am trying now again this way. I am praying again every evening, was even visiting that churc in the neighboring town.

Back to Reality

A few hours ago, everything looked different, as described in the last entry.
At least for half a day I had the wonderful illusion.
And the reconciliation which I had hoped for, had indeed happened.

Nothing is clear to me now.
A few hours ago I was deliberating how I should say to C good-bye, and now I only sit here and am silent.
Again fooled myself.
I will ask Bee what she is thinking about this.
Her guy, or me.
I was so happy this afternoon, and she seemingly too.
What have I done wrong?
The last words of her were so friendly and coming from heart!
What happened in the meantime?

In Seventh Heaven!

A few hours ago it was the first time, since an eternity it seemed, that I was biking through our little town, happy and singing. The sun was shining, everything was laughing, I radiated joy.
More I do now want to write, otherwise everything gets destroyed again.

Night Labour

Now for two hours I have just completed pointless night labour!
Would have been better if I had finished my presentation for Latin class or done something else more useful.
But no, it had to be two wasted hours.
That's how long it took until I got the present ready for Bee: a recipe for a cake.
Tomorriw I will drive to her. I am almost bursting of curiousity what she will say about it.
Is it a mistake to visit her tomorrow?
I do not know. Unfair towards C? Maybe. But I am going to do it.
I have a right to pursue my personal interests. Basta!