At Party

K had invited us all to a party tonight. She is a nice girl, I had a slight crush on her a while ago. But she seemed to be with many guys. Very easy going, also easy to get. Completely different from her sister.
I was not in a party mood at all. Would have been better if I would not have gone. B was not there, so at least my nerves were a bit saved. My friend and foe A was there... but the issue with him was so many months ago, I felt as if it did not matter anymore, had not been this week the situation when B was almost throwing herself onto him. Well, H was here. She is nice. I still have a bad conscience for what I did a year ago, when I disregarded her. K has a piano. I started to play a bit, some of our songs that we were singing for the service. Those folk type of melodies, I made my own harmonies. H sat there and listened attentively. She liked it. She played then a piece - had composed it herself. Very nice, I enjoyed it. There is more to H than I thought. I played again. Some sad improvisations. H listened, was obviously fascinated. Our eyes met, we smiled at each other. But no, I was not very much into her. K came and said I should stop playing the piano. It would ruin the pary mood. So I stopped. Not long after I left and went home. What a wasted evening.

Good Mood

Today was a weird day. For some reason I was in a good mood, without any good cause. Our gang met, to discuss how we would organise the upcoming carneval party. I felt desperate but positive - somehow a contradiction. Do I really now accept that there is no hope with B? Maybe it is just a temporary thing, just a natural reaction in the human body, since one cannot always be in desparation. A tiny positive thing can then make the whole day.
My bicycle counter shows 4300km today. I was cycling a lot in the past year.

Finished

I am just coming home, having entered the door, go to my room, sit down.
So.
I do not know what to write.
Where to start.
Today is Wednesday.
Tutoring day, as agreed with B's parents.
Think again!
After I was waiting for them alone in one of the empty class rooms on the 2nd floor, I went down slowly. Where are they?
They are in the main hall.
And - A is there too.
They are not yet with A. I go down the stairs, I walk towards them, they spot me, then they turn around and walk towards A, chat with him. 
I pretend not to be touched, go to them as well, we chat. 
I stand next to S, not next to B. We talk about the upcoming carneval activities. I have an idea on what costume to wear: go as a guy with a thick stomach.
But wile talking I cannot concentrate as I see the interaction between B and A.
I notice how B looks at him, almost eats him up with her looks. A is calm, does not even react to her, I must give him this as a credit.
But she is almost throwing herself at him... and I do not know what to do.
Gong.
Next hour starts, I go away, get my things from the class room upstairs, go down, say to them "you math experts", and take my bicycle to drive away. 

always along the road, I make a turn to the right instead of the left, biking away, as tears are running from my eyes. 
Leaving the town, the road surface gets sandy, I see a bench, stop, and sit on it.
Above me the buzzing of a high voltage power line. I look around, at the brown-yellow grass. Cannot sop crying.

Finished.
Nothing anymore.
I am not a clown with whom you can do whatever you want!
I understood, B. You told me now clearly enough.
Done.

Cruel

Cruel.
How can everything happen so cruel?
I am stuck somewhere.
Am equipped with best will, but then I am stuck somewhere and cannot move forward.
Already so much time has gone by,
I have lived through so much.

Desire and reality are far apart.
Ouuh!

New courage

Getting some new courage.
Helping the parents to clean up after the kitchen renovation.
Going to a classical music concert this afternoon. Later to a restaurant.
The family, which is my parents and my brother, do not know anything of my inner fights, my problems. I do not tell them, I act normally.
They would not understand.

Being powerless

Powerlessness.
That is the worst.
One wants to steer and cannot.
Everything runs against.
I try to intervene, to act, (I did today, I wished luck and best wishes, I tried everything today int he break), but all in vain.
I am powerless, am subjected to whatever happens by this inhuman god.
Nobody helps me.
Completely alone I stand here.
Ok. A deviating from the way so far. Again new. 
I feel so empty. I am dizzy during the turn.
I cannot make it.
A lot of broken glass.
Deep inside I still do not give up, but around it everything is empty.
I cannto cry, I feel being robbed, betrayed by god.
Now not even nature tells me something, I can nowhere discover beautiy or harmony in anything.
Soon I am completely dead.
Or totally crazy.
But still nothing is lost yet.
I feel like drinking alcohol. Something. Champagne, wine, punch, something.

It is different now

I have to say that something really has happened in the past few weeks.
Remember?
A few weeks ago, 9.December, I reflected on how they were happy to see me at school, in the break when we met, when they approached me to chat and have a nice time.
Now all that is different, the great progress could not be stopped.
Today int he break, when I walked towards them joyfully, with my heart beating faster, just looking forward to meet B, to talk to her... I almost do not dare to write it... they turned away. Changed their direction. Walked to the side, avoided meeting me.
Yes, that is how times change.
My reaction: short circuit - backwards.
I turned around 180 degree, back into the hall, looking for cover.
Peeked out again once in a while, but now I did not dare anymore to come out.
After school I tried again a short-circuit, this time forward.
But god had prevented this, they were not even in their class room anymore.
Bravo, go on!
When I look at this almost passed week, I wonder why I am still alive. I should be dead by now.
But also for tomorrow I plan - short-circuit. No more inhibitive thinking.
We will see. It cannot be worse than now.

Almost I had forgotten what I urgently wanted to write.
Careful, it is very important.
For the first time I will pin down in writing, so that it does not run away:
ok short-circuit now: I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH, B
so, and now once again:
I really like you very much, B.
B, B, B,
So, now I feel better. Everything clear now?
Ok.

Disappointed from god

In our apartment, the parents have decided to do a big makeover. The kitchen is empty, a big mess is everywhere.
New wall paper will be put onto the walls.

I was trying to revive my short-circuit capability, to meet B in the break.
But nothing. C had spotted me, and was walking with me. So when I would have followed my short-circuit plan, I would have let her stand there, and would have moved towards B. But no, I did not do that. Did not want to hurt C.

What an idiot I am!
Why could I not follow through?

I have been brought up very religiously. I was a strong believer during my childhood.
Every evening a prayer.
But I must have had the wrong idea about god and his influence on my life.
Right now, my faith appears not important and not dominant anymore. I am disappointed. Of god, of faith.
I have prayed, but did not find any relation anymore.
The innermost basis is destroyed.
There is anyway a big mess inside me, and I am trying to make a it of an order there, to sort things out.
I seem to succeed a bit, but not much.
At least I know what I want.
But always something interferes.
For the next days: these will be short-circuit days.
Sometime it must succeed.
I am disappointed of god.
I had built so much onto a hopeless basis.
How many people believe in god and trust him in anything.
They go through life and always feel confirmed in their belief.
But all is only appearance. deception, everything is in vain, emptiness behind, Nothing.
For the first time in my life this thought does not shake me.
I take it as given., have to try to come to terms with it.
I know I will not succeed in it.
But I will survive, will sneak through life, circumvent barriers, but will probably bump with my head always at some wall, some corner, like always, I know it...
But now I have nobody to put the blame onto.
Currently I feel nothing, no hate, or do I?
Checking... there is a lot of love feeling.
Dissapointed from god.
Like so often.
Always the same song...

Rain

Some snow, turning into rain.
Big hopes for tomorrow.

A Short Circuit Action

In the morning at school I crossed C's path. Made me angry. Could not see B, as time was limited.
But then after school, in the afternoon I finally broke out of my passivity: I decided not to think things through and just have a "short circuit".
I visited B this afternoon in her home. Just to talk about the math exam, as a pretext.
We talked then about 1/2 hour long. Nothing fancy, just small talk. My short circuit capabilities are limited and are not sufficient for a large action - it was already hard enough for me to do this visit.
But I did it, and I am proud.
Yes, I just have to switch off the brain sometimes and do exactly what I feel.
Forget about embarrassment.
Just do the same short-circuit approach as on 6.January, back during the trip.

At a Birthday Party

My long-time childhood friend AD has invited me today for his birthday party. I only see him once a year, he is already working at a job, has left school earlier. I feel completely displaced among his friends, do not know what to say. There is this girl on whom I had a crush in 1st grade, 12 years ago. She talks about her attitude towards sleeping with men, and that she just would not sleep with anyone on the first date. They talk about another girl who obviously has not such scruples.
I do not know what to say, so I just listen. For full two hours just listening, sitting in the corner, having nothing to contribute to the conversation. I feel liks such a moron.
Last night, after showing the pictures to my gang, I slept not very well. My thoughts were with B all the time. Why did I not approach her? Why did I not talk to her more? I was so distant.
I feel like I am falling back again, into my usual shy distant behavior that I have had all these years.

There is still a bot of snow outside, on the hill tops there must be more. The gang wanted to do cross-country skiing, but I had been at AD's party.
I feel weak and incapable.
Slowly life runs away.
I torture myself through it, I only want the best.
And I have really worked hard.
But not hard enough.
Yesterday evening would have been such a good opportunity like never again.
I have to make it.
But then, the dichotomy comes again. C appears. And I do not know what to do...
Why was the mathematics exam so bad?
I am disappointed, from myself and from them.

Showing the pictures

Saturday evening our weekly meeting in the club. It did not matter to me anymore, I did not push anything, Showed them the pictures, they actually liked them.
But I did nothing to advance myself towards B. Took even my younger brother to the meeting, so that he could get introduced to the group and find some other friends here.
After coming home, I felt desperate, and regretted my inactivity.

First Pictures are here

It got warmer, rain today melted every bit of snow away.
I got mail today: the first photos from our winter trip are here.
What I noticed: on the pictures where I am (taken by others), I appear to be so self conscious, often laughing. This is quite the opposite of how I looked on earlier pictures: shy, quiet, in the background.

So this trip has changed something in me, I have developed positively.
Am a bit disappointed by the colors of the photos, also some things in the pictures did not come out as I wanted them to.

While listening to Sibelius, Symphony #2

A bitter feeling in my mouth, covered with chocolate.
Misery.
Failed, poored, obstructed, complicated.
Rethinking.
Help!
Does nobody hear?
Suicide comes closer.
No. This must not be!
It moves further away,
into the distance...
I want to live.
Live happily.
finally a happy life.

Oh, what the hell.
The change is not complete yet.
Bitter.
Lost time.
Lost words.
Lost feeling.
Desire.
Deep down, high up?
Friction. I get stuck at everything. Distorted, one part pulls down, the other one pushes up.
Wonderful music in the radio: Sibelius Symphony #2, op.43.
Feeling is here, gone again, I don't know what I am writing,
unsure.
No support.
But actually everything is clear
could be
tohuwabohu, mess

I have said what I wanted to reach

I have not reached it

I feel deaf, deaf for everything from outside, for any feeling
I am desperately dead.

I must not write that I have nobody and that nobody likes me - that would be a lie.
Has the dichotomy been solved?
I am still hoping, I miserable...

Deciding my direction

I think I have decided which way to go. There is no hope with B. She avoids me, whereas I keep meeting C in the breaks, in the hallways, constantly.
But I am not really ready... my feelings for B are there, I cannot deny them.
There is no choice, I have to forget B.
C is the future.
I am done with B.
Lots of snowing today, about 10 cm lies there. I love snow!

Mathematics exam

This is the day for which I have tried to tutor B. Her class has the mathematics exam.
It was a disaster.
My tutoring had not helped.
But it does not matter. C is already waiting.
In the past days I always crossed her path somehow... she must have planned her moves. So there is an opportunity there...
It is partially sunny today, the snow from the past days is melting away.

Looser

Another tutoring session was scheduled today. B attended, but then she saw A, and she ran towards him, shouting "please help me, save me". It was all jokingly done, but I felt the serious background. She is moving away. What a difference to the time one month ago, when her parents had asked me to tutor her, and that was the only reason for them to let B to participate in that holiday trip.
No, I blew it completely.
There seems no more hope left. I am a looser.

Tutoring

In the night it was strongly snowing, 5cm snow covered everything in the morning, and then the sun came out.
I love the sight of snow!
I was tutoring B today in one of the hours where I had no lectures scheduled. I made fun of her: put my hand into the water, then touched her face. Her first reaction was a pleasantly surprised smile, as she noticed my had approaching. But a split second later she got angry, when she felt the water on her cheek. And I felt like such an idiot... why did I have to to this? She left the room.
And I have ruined it finally.

Back at school

Today I am back t school, the holidays are over. I am calm, but slightly shaking.
Do not know exactly what I want.
Saw C, also B during the break.

Back from holiday

I am back from the holiday trip, since a few days. Am still recovering from what has been the most significant emotional roller coaster ride in my life so far. Not sure how I can handle this in the next days, weeks to come. The whole trip was only 12 days, but it has changed my life. I feel that I am a different person now. My low blood pressure is no more low. During those 12 days I have been constantly agitated, had been excited, full of energy.

And all was in vain. She is now going out with friends, without me. I am devastated. Well, now it is time to turn the attention to my term paper. It was given many months ago, and I had done nothing. Now is the time to forget about her and to focus on work.

But I cannot focus, I am still shaken. It is just a few days ago that I have done something that I thought I was not able to do: I actually told her. Yes, I told B about my feelings for her. For the first time in my life I did this, telling a girl that I like her. I must be actually proud of myself... but I am not, because I have then shattered all hopes, with my jealeousy, and my stupid pathetic non-acting towards C. Unbelievable... someone up there must have a good laugh. But I am done with "up there". No more praying. No more turn-the-left-cheek when the right one is hit...

She is out with friends today, and I am not there. A is also there, and C. I refused to go, out of principle. But what principle? Am I stupid or what? Which principle am I following here?

I do not know what to do, I need some rest. This holiday will remain in my memory forever. I am still digesting...

Afraid

Tomorrow again everyday life will start, the grey one.
False hopes.
Tears in vain.
Everything in vain.

But there is a new way open.
What about the other one, the one started already?
I am sweating.
Am restless.
Am afraid, of tomorrow.
Am afraid to meet them.
Yes! Best is if everything would be finished.
I hang really crooked in there.
Cannot free myself with my own force.
Am still afraid.
My will has not been fulfilled.
Like always.

Despite this I should really be thankful.
Because I have never in my whole life gone as far as I have now.

For the Future

Everything what happens now is history, has a great meaning for later.
The past 2 weeks have a meaning which is already now recognizable.
I want to record all Beatles songs onto tape. (Because she likes them).
I order a radio program listing.
A lot of things for the future.

Finished

Finished.
I am completely finished.
Totally finished.
Destroyed on the ground.
Fast breath.
Continuous trembling.
Wanting to cry, but it does not work.
Divided.
Two ways, opposite.
Missed chances.
controlled by others.
No own freedom for decision.
Always taking care of the sentiments of others.
I cannot continue anymore.

(cont.)

The relation to my parents is as good as never before.
With one beat there is an honest trust.
I feel weak.
Stand there alone (not true!)
Well, I...
... at least I start everything myself, alone.
It has to work.
A little fear.
So many chances, important, true, deep chances, as never before.
The year 1981 seems to have a lot in stock yet!
The year 1980 had a lot coming.
In a negative sense.
1980 - year of disappointments.
- of dissatisfaction.
- of search.
- of desperation.
- of loosing.
- of maturing.
- of changing.
- of A.
- of hate.
- of love in vain.
- of healing / strengthening.
- of unification.
- of division.

Well, let's go, up into life!
The others are already waiting for me!
(hopefully!)

Back again.

Hello.
I am back again.
Hardly can be recognized.
How should it go on?
First a brief summary (even though I am disgusted by such a textual procedure):
I have drunk, I have become more independent. Every day I have made entries into the diary which for the stranger are hardly understandable; I was often alone, sometimes loosely integrated, rarely but at least sometimes very closely engaged.
I have dared something what I have never dared before in my life. I still cannot understand it.
The consequences: up to now no significant.
That is the disappointing thing. It finished so well (or it began so well, depends how to look at it).
It is (mostly) my fault. Those strange relationships.

Day 12.

Packing the luggage in the morning. Getting ready. There is a thick snow layer outside. It stopped snowing, the sun is shining brightly. What a contrast to my own mood.

When I met B accidentally I tell her "B, I would like to apologise". She replies "What for?" I say "I do not know..." And I really do not know. What have I done wrong? Where did I make my mistake(s)? I do not know.

We are waiting for the bus to arrive. B and Ch are jokingly fighting in the communal room. It appears to me that they are fighting for me. Ridiculous thought.

In the bus I sit a few rows in front of St and B. Ch just takes the seat next to me.

1:30pm departure. Bye.

These were the most intensively lived days in my life so far. I had done things which I never did before. I went beyond reason. Went further than ever before. But not far enough.

Everything seemed possible, but now everything is going the wrong way. Ch sits next to me, talks. I have trouble listening. Shall I just get up and go back to B? No, I am not that mean to Ch.

1 hour before arrival I do go back to B, talk a little to B and St. Then suddenly B takes out a large money bill. Payment for my tutoring, from their parents. I refuse to take this. "But if you do not take it, then our friendship will stop" B says. Which friendship???? But still, this argument convinces me, and I take the money.

7pm we arrive. Our parents are waiting. I am back in my actual reality.

It seems to me that I have lost my laughter. Everything was in vain.

Day 11.

I did not sleep the whole night. I did daydream the whole time all the various scenarios how I would tell B that I have feelings for her. She probably knows it anyway, but I need to explicitly say it to her. In my mind I play all the variations, with positive response, with negative response. I cannot fall asleep, am awake the whole night.

In the morning when I get up, I am very excited. I will say it to her today! I will exceed all my limitations.

For me this is a very big thing. It might be nothing for anybody else, who has not developed into this shy boy that I am. Others are much more outgoing. But I have developed into a quiet boy, reluctant to share feelings. In school during class I have often trouble articulating responses. I do feel uncomfortable giving talks, when required in some classes. Not sure why... fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed. But why? It does not really matter of all the other assholes make fun of me - they still remain assholes. I try to tell me that, but I am still shy.

This is going to change today. I even do not mind anymore if anyone else is present.

I am looking for B. There she is. But I have again an attack of my shyness, and I do not approach her. A few more good opportunities pass by. I am getting angry with myself now. This time I will not stop, will not let my fear dictate what I can do. I am in a short-circuit mood. An inner short-circuit is required, which would shut down all my alert systems, all my prevention-mechanisms which have worked "so well" in all these months and years. Now I will ignore everything.

My heart pumps very fast and hart. I believe my blood pressure is up. These past few years I had low blood pressure. Was regularly taking these tables. Now this winter vacation must have cured this. I did not take a single tablet these past 11 days.

I am walking up and down the stairs, without any real purpose, just to capture a good opportunity. I pretend that I have some business, either up in the roof, or down in the cellar. If someone could watch this independently, they would have a good laugh. One could make a comedy about this.

Sometimes A is there too, sometimes St, sometimes others. Damned. No time or opportunity alone with you.

Then, I see B again. This time she is finally alone. Now is the time. I walk to her, tell her "B, please come here, I have to tell you something". She comes, somewhat irritated "what is now?" I slowly speak to her, look her into the eyes "B, I just wanted to tell you that I like you very much, despite everything"

It is done. I have spoken to her.

She looks startled, without believe, then her face lightens up. She smiles, her face seems to beam for joy. Very quiet she whispers "Great!" we look into each other's eyes. Move closer to each other. I take her hand, she is very warm, I press it. Suddenly B moves away, goes into her room.

This was the actual highlight of this winter holiday. I have said it to her.

The whole day we ski on the local slopes. I want again to be close to her, want to "follow up". Now that I have broken the barrier, there should be no limit. I shall say more, talk to her. B and St are again with A and M. And I realise that B still has her own wall around herself. I am trying to do at least one lift ride with her, but she almost openly refuses.

I am upset, offended. I go now alone, race down the slopes. Was that again a theatre this morning???

Then I am joining another group. There is Ch, the sister of R. Now I decide to spend time with her. Yes, I can also show B that I am independent of her, that I can also go another way. I ski the whole remaining day with Ch, who apparently enjoys the attention. Ch is a nice girl, intelligent, but is not my type. I have no resonance. There is possibly more resonance with St.

B only goes skiing with A. So what is the theatre B is playing? Was this in the morning theatre, her response to me? It seemed real, authentic. In this case her behaviour now must be theatre, her skiing with A. Does B now have feelings for me, or does she not?

I realise that I really understand nothing about girls' behavior. I will have to learn a lot still. Ch now accompanies me everywhere, even as I return my rented skis into the sports shop.

Back in the lodge I pack my things. I still do not get it. I have exceeded, have tried hard, and still no result.

I take the math books which are hers, and want to return them. I knock at B's door, she is in, alone. I did not expect this, but ok, Good. Nice. But this time I am reluctant. I do not want a repeat of this morning's humiliation. She jumps up, comes quickly to the door. Stands in the door frame, across from me, looks into my eyes. Looks at me very intensly, with a smile. Very seductively. I am confused. Again theatre? I do not want to fall for this again. But I already begin to melt. She looks as if she is waiting for a kiss, for a hug, and I am ready. Now is the time, the opportunity to make the dreams come true. But her overall contradicting behavior does not leave my mind. I cannot get out of my mind the images of her skiing all the time with A. I am shortly deliberating, but my brain is not really functioning any more. I should have hugged her, should have kissed her. But all I could say was "B, why did you go today all the time with A? Why?" She innocently says "Have I? I did not notice". I am waiting for a more reasonable answer. But none comes. Her eyes look down, she turns away, moves back into her room.

And I stand there, immediately realising that I now blew it. I should have not asked this stupid question but should have played along. But now it is done. This seems to be over. I did miss my chance.

But then, what chance? She was obviously playing some kind of theatre. Either with me, or with A. I do not want to be a part of this theatre, I want to play it honestly. I had to ask her. I had to make her aware that I have noticed her behaviour. I could not have just been silent and ignoring it. Or should I have?


I am desperate. In the communal room I look at B. She looks straight, avoiding eye contact. Ch looks at me, I am avoiding eye contact. I drink several cups of alcoholic punch. Outside it is again snowing heavily, thick flakes fall down. A group decides to go for a walk. I join them, keep in the back. The snow is so thick, one cannot see very far. I reduce my tempo of walking until they are out of sight. Then I turn towards the cemetery. For the last time I go there, tell my friends everything, let my tears roll. Never before have I cried so much in such a short time period as here during this winter holiday. I think I have cried here as much as in my whole previous life alltogether. I thank my dead friends for the confidence which these nightly visits to the cemetery have given me. I say good-bye to them, farewell. Maybe I will be back some time in the future, when I will be happy eventually. I promise them that I will work hard to make everything good.

The snowfall is really heavy, one almost cannot see further than 10 meters. I slowly walk back. Farewell party in the lodge. B is not here. Ch is here, looks and smiles at me. This was not what I had hoped for in this winter vacation.

Day 10.

During the whole day I was looking for opportunities to be close to B and to be alone with her, so that I could tell her. But constantly someone is there nearby. I cannot do this when there are witnesses. I feel shy as it is, and I do not want to make myself the laughing stock of the whole group. Although I already think that I am, they all must have noticed my efforts-in-vain.

After this day there will only be one more skiing day. Melancholy sets in. I already realise that in these past days I have overcome many obstacles, have moved forward to where I never have been. So I will be a "normal" person afterall, not the shy inhibited boy which I had been in these past years. There is no such thing as destiny. Everybody can change, can master their destiny. It takes a lot of effort, and I am not there yet. But I will be, I am confident of this.

I am humming music all day during skiing. The slopes are very icy, it is not very pleasant. Sharp ice crystals blow into the face when skiing downhill, hurting in the face. B is not with A anymore, which makes me very happy. But I am not able to manage one single lift ride with her. I notice that she again evades me. So what was yesterday? Again everything only an empty theatre?

I need to tell her, urgently. I need to say that I like her very much. I better keep the "love" word for later. It sounds too heavy, although that is what I am feeling.

In the evening a slight depression sets in. The holiday is almost over. And no results. Even though I have tried very hard, have overcome my own inner wall, have gone beyond my previous limitations. I am a different person now. But with what results? None. No success at all. It was a roller-coaster ride as never ever before in my life. Never had I in such a compressed time period so many different emotions, both positive and negative. I have suffered, and I have enjoyed. But I also have realised that there are many things out of my control. No matter what I do, there is no positive effect.

I have not yet accepted this. I tried today the whole day, but apparently I need to be more persistent. Tomorrow is the very last day when this is possible. I will try.

Day 9.

Yesterday night I had given up, had resigned. No more hoping, no more trying to woo B. But after waking up this morning, I felt a new wave of optimism, that I would be able to turn things around.

We have a break with skiing today. A pity, I would have liked to go, but if nobody else is going, how would I come to the skiing area? Need at least a driver to bring me there. So I also stay.

Sunday warship service. This is again one of the possible opportunities. I do look constantly at B. And I notice that B constantly looks at A. During the peace greeting we only shake very briefly the hand. No opportunity to hug B. She walks by fast.

During lunch I act more strategically: I wait until B has sat down, then I join her on the seat next to her. A brilliant maneuver. But not very much appreciated by her, she looks angry. To loosen up the situation I begin teasing her, take away a potato from her plate. That was not good: she gets up, takes her plate, takes another seat. I sit there, embarrassed. Apparently she has lost her sense of humour.

Another math tutoring session, with her and St. They both wish each other good luck, again I do not understand. When will I be able to decode girls' behavior? I explain some math problems. Then B says "do not play so angry". Then she leaves the room, says it is only for a short while. But she does not come back. I am alone with St. I explain her, she is eager to listen. But then I also stop the lesson earlier.

For dinner, St takes the seat next to me. I do understand now. This is going against all my dreams. What should I do? Give up my dream? Or take advantage of this opportunity? St is pretty, smart, funny. Actually a real catch. And in contrast to B she really likes me. If I were a reasonable boy, I would be with her. But it seems I am not reasonable. There is no resonance with her. I like her, but not more. With B I am in love, all my thoughts and feelings the whole day are for her. This is just so much different. I could not force myself to have the same feelings for St, it just does not work. Or maybe these feelings would come later? After one has gotten to know each other better? I do not want to pretend to her anything...

I do not know, I am desperate. Maybe my friends, the dead on the cemetery, can give me some advice. In a quiet moment, without the others noticing, I go out again. It is wonderful there. Silence, standing in front of that large wooden cross, thinking, talking in my thoughts, explaining. Reflecting. Snow on the graves, little red lights shine. After I return, I go again to the toilet, let my tears flow, then wipe them off, so that I look presentable. In the communal room is singing. Those songs which have accompanied me during the past 2 1/2 years, every Saturday evening. We had good times, it is a nice group of young people, I do enjoy their company. But now I wish I were alone.

Then, at 9:30pm sudden uprise: B and St run into the house, they had been outside. B runs towards me, hugs me, presses herself onto me. I do not know what is going on. She says "take your camera, quickly! You need to take a picture of this". Ok, ok, so I grab my camera, happy about the positive attention that I suddenly am getting from her. "A and M are making out! Quickly, take a picture!". I see A and M standing together, in a dark corner outside the lodge. I feel suddenly very good. Not sure if I should take a picture of them. I feel happy for him and M., and of course happy that B now finally has realised that her aspirations for A are in vain. So she turned to me!

I am so happy. I take a picture, but from far away. I do not want to disturb them. He is my friend after all.

It begins to snow. Thick flakes. Wonderful, my favourite weather. A bit later I sneak out, to the cemetery, to tell the dead about the positive turn. And to thank them for their support, their open ear. (as if they had a choice....)

I am happy. This is the most happy day during this holiday, and I am optimistic again for the remaining 3 days. Tomorrow I will gather all my courage and tell B that I am in love with her. I believe that there is hope.

Day 8.

Today we went skiing into that neighbouring larger skiing area. I was skiing mostly alone, as B kept staying with A and M. I discover for myself the nice ski slopes in distant valleys. I enjoy the view from the top of the mountains around to other mountains. And I enjoy skiing.

It is not overly sunny but mostly overcast, but the clouds and especially the evening lighting give a special light on the sky. I breath in deeply and enjoy the sights, the view, the motion while skiing.

After dinner I go again to the cemetery. Almost one hour I spend there, in between the graves, and I am crying. Am not ashamed, the dead will understand, they know everything, I do not have to explain.

Again in the lodge I go to the bathroom, have my music notes with me, write down a few chords. I cannot go into the group, they will all see my desperation. Maybe I should take an overdose of headache pills, which one of the guys has in his supplies?

Some fun later in the evening: B is reading aloud to me 100 reasons for committing suicide, from an article she found in a magazine. How fitting! Then I am in A's room, just joking around.

I am giving up on B.

Day 7.

Everything seems to be already so bogged down, so inflexible. B is constantly near A, St is close to me, everything appears to be already fixed and unchangeable. My desperation about this situation I try to manage with music: in my head I hear melodies, chords which express my feelings. I sometimes even write them down. When skiing, I move down in the rhythm of imagined music. I always ski now alone.

B is between M and A now. I see them skiing together, and I only can laugh with hollowness. One time today I met A, and he made a remark which I have not yet digested: "I thank you for your goodness". What does that mean? When was I good? Maybe he meant to thank me for my idiotism, for my phlegmatism, for my non-knowing-how-to-act-with-B. My anger rises. What does he know? Does he know I am in love with B?

I am skiing further, alone, bitter. At one point I meet them again, and then I manage to go into the lift with B. I dare to ask her "B, can you tell me what is the matter?" Not more, but also not less. But she just says "what do you mean?" I dare not to ask further. I should have. Why did I not ask her directly why she is always going with A? And why did I not tell her that I am in love with her? Well, I have no idea how to tell this... I thought she would know and feel it.

Next time I go with St in the ski lift, then I ask her what is the matter? Maybe I should have been more specific, I do only get the answer "I really do not know". So no real talk.

I do not care anymore. It does not matter. I give up.

Day 6.

We are getting up late, around 9am. Everybody seems to have a bit of a hang-over from yesterday night. Outside the weather is getting warm, the snow is melting. I have a headache. Still want to go skiing.

At the breakfast B is sitting again next to A. Maybe I will finally get it!

Not an ideal skiing weather today, only four of us are going. The snow is melting away, is wet and heavy. A few rides down that slope where we had not yet been in the past days. But it is too warm, we are back in the lodge for lunch.

I am again scheduling a tutor session for St and B, as agreed with their parents. But B wants that A stays for our tutoring session. Fortunately he goes. I am very mad, upset with B, but I do not show it. B sits across from me. No more leaning or touching as it had been two days earlier. St sits next to me. I explain mathematics. I also hand out gummi bears which I bought yesterday.

We finish the tutoring lecture after a while, and B immediately runs to A, stating how glad she is that this is over. St looks at me. Maybe I need to re-adjust my dreams...

I am desperate. This is now the new year 1981 for which I had so much hope. My dream, my love for B, is being shattered by her. I am locking myself in the bathroom, cry. I watch my face in the mirror while crying. Have never done that before. Looks certainly interesting.

After dinner I have the usual boredom with all the "activities" that are done in the communal room. Discussions, games, singing. I take my coat and go out. It is snowing with big flakes. I do enjoy the snow, at least some consolation. Then I decide to make my idea from yesterday come true: I am going to the cemetery. Nobody is there, my footprints in the fresh snow are the only ones. Silence. Finally. Little red lights on the graves. A large wooden cross, I stop. I am not praying, but I am meditating. Let some tears flow. Tell my story, hope for some empathy from the dead. I keep walking between the graves, look at the names, and I greet them friendly. I wish some ghosts would come out, and I would talk to them.

After 45 minutes I go back. I do feel better.

But nothing has changed... B kept joking with A, and his girlfriend M looked very jealously. St kept talking to me, and I feel bad that I do not feel anything for her.

I want to talk to B. I have already done many things during this holiday which exceeded everything that I had done ever before. So I should move forward with the same spirit. I decide to talk to her. Maybe tomorrow.

The Beginning of a New Year

Half an hour before midnight we all went outside, into the cold night. We walk through the snow. I always have enjoyed snow, and still do. But I am a bit pissed that we all are going out together. I had wanted to go to the cemetery, alone, to celebrate the beginning of the New Year in a different way than usual.

But I cannot "escape" when everybody else is around. So I keep with the group. We walk through the snow onto a small hill, from where we can have a look over the valley. New Years firework rockets go up everywhere in the distance.

B is constantly near A, as it has been during the whole day. I am pissed. The day before had been so promising, but now all hope seems to have gone.

Church bells begin to ring, more firework rockets go up, the New Year has begun. Some people in our group light candles.
Good bye, 1980. Welcome, 1981. We all shake hands and wish each other the best wishes for the new year.

Then suddenly a stroke of an idea. I walk towards B, shake her hand, "I wish you a happy new year 1981 with everything what ever you wish", and I hug B and kiss her - on the cheek.

That was something I never had done. Well, I did it back in March on S's birthday. But that was together in the company of my two other friends... Here now in this situation, I was alone. It was my idea, my initiative. Again I had moved forward, had done something I had not done ever before, but something that I plan to do much more often.

B appeared to be confused. But also did show some joy, a smile. I definitely saw that, it was not only wishful thinking.

Nobody else did this, kiss her.

Someone has a bottle of sparkling wine, which is handed around. I take a few large gulps, I do enjoy the taste of Champagne very much. We are walking through the town. I want to walk next to B, but she evades. Either goes faster than me, or slower, deliberately. Was I wrong in my assessment of the situation? I do not understand. The Champagne begins to act in my head.

St comes closer, says "there is nothing you can do. It is pointless". Oh, how much does she know? And what exactly does she mean? I am laughing loud about the jokes which some are making, but my laughter is in reality a hidden crying.

We all go back into the lodge. I sit together with St instead of with B, who is somewhere away in her room. St seems to understand everything, but I understand nothing.