Some thoughts

In recent weeks, in comparison to earlier (1/2 year ago) I have written down very little.
I did not feel like it. Did not know what I should write. But now I believe that it is time to summarize:

I have changed.
Am actually only a wrack, in many accidents damaged and mutilated.
But I am still alive.

My view of the world has changed.
I can live without god.
He does not mean anything for me anymore.
I have realized some things, for example that an average person needs the belief in supernatural being!
Only then one is balanced.

I am not balanced, am easily thrown back and forth. In former times I was a rock, I was resting in myself, selfcontent.
All that is dissolved now, gone. My view about love has changed. The two great examinations in my life have destroyed everything.
Love is for the most part dependent on superficial things. That is bitter, I know. For a long time I too did not want to believe it!
I was idealistic, did believe in the power of love, until the final moment!

Pointless!
Love is something with which we satisfy our own needs, for example by tenderness.
There is also the other love, the love towards a human being, towards a YOU. But I believe that I myself never had it. S was really pretty I did prefer her to H.
Bee also was pretty, even though I often tried to persuade myself that she has an ugly voice and that I loved here despite this. I did prefer her to Ch.
Ch is not pretty. And I do not love her. Well, now I approach things with a different measure.

Girls want to be exploited!
Like Bee!
Any idealism is there of no use!
I have decided. For now I remain free, internally. Externally I "go" with Ch, to make her happy and to give her a nice illusion. But it will not last much longer.
H did get more and more pretty recently! Yes, only material thinking pays off. The idealistic thinking only brings disappointment.

I have to learn to be more cheeky with girls. Because that is what they expect!