So.

So.
(didn't I start already a few entries with "so"?)
I cannot think of anything that expresses my plain dispair better.
So again: So.
That is done.
She came yesterday, at the carneval party of our gang, as "Queen". Well, sort of.
I thought she had the best costume of all. Twice I had the pleasure of dancing with her. Then her new guy... that was enough to bring me to the edge of crying.
But it was actually a good party, the best since quite a while.
Because in my despair I forgot about my inhibitions. I really let myself go. Danced with H, also danced crazy with K. And then danced with A. Well, until 10:30pm I did not even know her name!
So, and now God, or fate, or life, or whatever I shall call this force, or I myself have reached the state in which I have never wanted to be. I have sunk down to become quite the average mass human. Going for a few weeks with this girl, then for a few weeks with that girl. I never wanted to be like that. To me that seemed like the worst in the world, mean towards other humans.
But now I am like this myself. Being forced.
I know one thing" my heart I will not anymore give away so quickly!
(Puh, strange to write such a nonsense, but nothing better occurred to me)
For now I have enough.
Bee, farewell.
with your new guy, or with whomever.
But despite this it was quite funny yesterday!
And it confirmed my thoughts about god's acting in the world! Poor K! Poor J!
I am not the only one who constantly fails.
God allows this, completely unashamed. Maybe he even laughs then about our stupidity.
But it happens
How K was crying yesterday when dancing! I recognized myself so much in this.
But at that time my crying break down had already been gone.
So, and now I will continue to live without soul.
Not sure if I will continue writing the book that I planned.
Well, everything is quite pointless.



I knew J and K for quite a while. J has been in my class, but he had moved then to another town, I rarely saw him. But he is a nice guy, I like him. Not as pretentious as others, not as macho or jerk-like, but real sensitive. And reasonable. And still quite a guy, not a sissy. That is why K must have fallen in love with him. I knew here already for a few years. She is quite attractive, pretty, but has quite many boyfriends. I have not counted. But now with J it seemed to be finally a more stable relationship. That is why she was then crying. Not sure what actually happened. They were both desperate. J was in the kitchen, looking sad, confused, and I - I of all people - was there to give him some consolation. He seemed helpless. Not sure who left whom, if J finished the relationship, or K. I did not ask, and neither he nor she did not tell. I guess I will never find out...