Afraid

I am afraid of later, of tonight. she was ill, sick at home, not at school on Thursday, Friday. On Thursday I drove up the hill to her home, just until one street below. Then I returned. With deliberation. Before that change of mind I wanted to visit her. But thne I decided against it.
Friday I drove up higher, again with the intention to visit her. Drove this time hither up until to her street, then I continued. Took another turn. I did not want to go to her. Down the road again. Was afraid to meet her new guy, or her class mate. I would have felt ashamed, she would have felt ashamed, the others would have felt ashamed, and it would have been useless. Like the other few times when I was there. But now I am angry. Because it really means the end. well, it is almost anyway down at zero. But I cannot make the 180 deg turn. I know it exactly, I hang in between, sensible for anything. And for nothing.
Afraid of tonight.
But it cannot get any worse! It is already so bad!
There is only upward movement possible, up in any direction.
Afraid!