Day 12.

Packing the luggage in the morning. Getting ready. There is a thick snow layer outside. It stopped snowing, the sun is shining brightly. What a contrast to my own mood.

When I met B accidentally I tell her "B, I would like to apologise". She replies "What for?" I say "I do not know..." And I really do not know. What have I done wrong? Where did I make my mistake(s)? I do not know.

We are waiting for the bus to arrive. B and Ch are jokingly fighting in the communal room. It appears to me that they are fighting for me. Ridiculous thought.

In the bus I sit a few rows in front of St and B. Ch just takes the seat next to me.

1:30pm departure. Bye.

These were the most intensively lived days in my life so far. I had done things which I never did before. I went beyond reason. Went further than ever before. But not far enough.

Everything seemed possible, but now everything is going the wrong way. Ch sits next to me, talks. I have trouble listening. Shall I just get up and go back to B? No, I am not that mean to Ch.

1 hour before arrival I do go back to B, talk a little to B and St. Then suddenly B takes out a large money bill. Payment for my tutoring, from their parents. I refuse to take this. "But if you do not take it, then our friendship will stop" B says. Which friendship???? But still, this argument convinces me, and I take the money.

7pm we arrive. Our parents are waiting. I am back in my actual reality.

It seems to me that I have lost my laughter. Everything was in vain.