Memories...

Recently I often have memories of that past winter holiday in my mind. What was that then actually?
A taste of sparkling wine, of punch.
Joy, bitterness, desperation, love, snow, cold, sun, ski, songs, coziness, restlessness, tears, in vain.
Nihilism, chocolate, pictures, all of that is that winter holiday; and still a bit more.
strange looks, variability, sudden change, playing games, cereal, the picture of the passion of Christ, the Jesus mosaic, the breaking away from god, the cemetery, the night, the desperate outbreak of tears, crying, sobbing.

Consolation, all that.
Changing into ski clothes, the two ski pants, the heating room for drying, the classes, the toilet, loneliness.

The skiing area: lonely hills, wide slopes, alone, loneliness, all that.

A, hatred, consuming hatred, indifference.
Tutoring, gummi bears, all that,
cut finger, with band aid from H, rented skis, afraid of having to return them.
day tickets for the ski area, a hurt behind from falling down, snow storm, lots of snow, all that;

gone, past, history, era, caesura, and now?

one-sided love; i cannot stand it anymore, it progresses unstoppably on, even though I hold back as much as possible. I do not do anything!
Love on my side? A little, of course one-sided.
But I do not understand anything anymore.

Why has May 2nd not brought a change? At noon everything had been still fine... but in the evening nothing...

Hopefully I am terminally ill, then I will be very glad when they cry! I imagine their desperate faces, how they ask themselves "what have I done wrong?"

But I am being loved! That is the problem.
If I would be "free", I could play "chauvi", would never fall in love, would flirt with every girl.
Yes, yes, that is how things are now. I still have that sting in my chest. But unfortunately it is nothing lethal. Really a pity!