Tutoring

Today I was tutoring. Not Bee, but C. She of course enjoyed it. We had fun.

Music recordings

Today is Bela Bartok's 100th birthday. Lots of his music on all classical FM stations around, I am recording so many things. Good that I got those CrO2 tapes with their improved recording quality. A pity only that my recorder does not have manual control. The automatic gain control kills all the dynamics; when the music is quiet, the hiss comes up. So when I listen to the music tapes, I keep my hand at the volume controller, and I do manual dynamic enhancement (turning down when the music is supposed to be quiet, turning up when it is loud. Stupid that I have to do that. Damn the automatic gain control!

Bicycle stand broke

Happened today. This aluminum stuff does not last. How am I now going to park my bike? Cannot always lean it towards the wall.

Finito

The sun laughs so beautifully from the blue sky!
It is completely cloudless.
Yesterday evening our gang did a night hike onto one of the nearby mountains.
Bee was there.
Her new boyfriend also.
Everything is clear.
I am embarrassed to have crawled so deeply.
Slowly I am getting up and move away.
I still smell of smoke.
Yesterday when we made the fire, I have sat right against the wind near the fire and have breathed in the biting smoke. Almost like smoking a cigarette.
Was great.
She shouted at me "Stop it".
A bitter feeling in the mouth, in the head, everywhere.
The whole night I dreamt, about many attempts, all in vain.
I do not love her anymore.
It is over.
I am just embarrassed to have been swapped for that jerk she is with now!
It hurts my pride, something that I had forgotten existed.
Good, but I am laughing at the sun which shines so warmly into the window.
Going to the movie this afternoon. Maybe C comes. I know what I have to do then.

Beginning of Spring

The beginning of spring toda - the winter is gone.
I draw the line, summarize, make conclusions, not much is left under the bottom line.
I have changed.
From a pathetic, small, shy, normal pupil to a pathetic, small, more courageous, crazy, extraordinary excentric pupil.
I love ... no, not what you are thinking! I want to write something completely different.
I love the extraordinary, the are, the opposite, the radical.
That is how I have become. I like it, am happy with it.
I like to sit in total darkness in my room, enjoy being on that lonely green bench in the hillside with the view of the town, like to eat a lot,
well, what kind of nonsense am I writing here...
I have very little time. Will go to the ecumenical service, maybe will be good.
C also wanted to come. Maybe SHE also will be there.
But does not matter.
Looking straight ahead, passing, distance, not anymore looking at each other.
Gone.

Interesting stories

It has been a while since I have written here into this book.
Almost nothing has happened.
Saturday evening with the gang.
Watching Saint-Exupery's "Little Prince", then singing songs in the darkness.
I did not what C probably expected me to do, I could not.
I still am in love with Bee. Noticeably less, but still present.
C has been sick the whole week now, a strong flu. I did not call her, did not visit her, despite that she tried so hard, I am bad, I know. But I have gotten used to my badness.

Just read yesterday "The Little Prince", by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. This story gave me a lot, a certain strength, an inner peace of the soul, a confirmation of my symbolic thinking.
I also read some of the short stories by Thomas Mann. I was fascinated. He often described such situations in which I am now. I suspect that Thomas Mann in his youth (16,17 years age) must have had also a love in vain. Until now in almost every of these short stories there was some kind of love in vain. I somehow get confirmed that I am not the only one who acts like I do.
Thomas Mann must have been quite shaken by his own experience, he probably was also as crazy as I was, I recognised exactly my feelings and actions.

I just notice that my handwriting has become quite regular. Maybe this is because I am partially already above the past, have overcome it - partially.

I continue to live, move on. In the very back of my brain I still hope.
Soon the spring starts - finally.
The winter was long. From 19.Nov - 2.March. Very long.
A beginning, and an end. There was never a middle...

Just ramblings

There is really nothing to write about.
I have just read the draft of my letter to her, which I then actually sent.
Cold sweat came onto my forehead.
No wonder she is not anymore looking at me!
And I thought about it being such an achievement.
Such a crap letter!
It has destroyed the last rest.
Today in school I saw her how she watched me talking to C.
Ha!
I have not looked at here at all but went immediately afterwards into the classroom.
Now I am showing myself to be tough. I have completely accepted that it is over. And she probably too! No need for her to pretend. Constantly I see her with that guy R. And I know that she is the initiative part in that "relation", not he! Just like it had been with me, before the holidays. In December and during our trip she was the one who had the initiative (at least that is what I noticed), but I reacted quickly and too developed feelings.
Well, it is over now,
She has to see how she will continue in her life.
It is a very worrying thought that she still has this letter.
When she is reading it later sometime, she will have a good laugh!
But what the hell.
Today I talked a lot with C. How often have I written that nevertheless there is no feeling? I will just pretend as good as I can.
But Bee I will completely disregard.
In recent days I had the thought to talk about all this with her best friend St.
But now I discard this thought, would not bring anything anyway.
But would be a good finish of this relations.
Oh holy crap!

Desperation - Collapse

God, I still love her!
Was just in the bathroom, cried bitterly.
Everything is over. She did not even want to give me the money for the photographs personally, her friend handed it to me.
No!
I cannot stop crying. I just love her.
A terrible evening tonight.
When meeting our gang, nothing was going on. A few of us tried to go to a pub, but they were closed. so we went to Alex, having some informal dinner. I came back late: 1:15 night. The parents were angry and upset, as they had been worried.
Shit evening.

I love her. The next 3 months are already programmed: constant crying, then C's desperate attempts, then again short revival episodes full of cheerfulness.
I love you. Even my ability to write is slowly fading away, my handwriting gets weaker and unreadable.
I love you
when you look at me, I have to look away
I love you
you look firm, but also most times you look away.
I love you
I must not see you anymore, as I have promised in my letter
I love you
I love you in vain
alone, I am isolating myself
either you or nobody.
so it is nobory.
I love you
I love you
so desperate as I am now I have felt since a long time
In the recent days I was strongly suicidal.
I love you
that is because I have recently done too many short-circuit actions, and I have learnt to switch off my conscious guiding and preventing.
I can switch off my conscience and can act short-circuit. Only a stupid thought needs to enter my mind, and I will lie smashed under the truck,
or dead the square down after a jump from the 3rd floor,
or in our high school
I love you
there is no other way for me
I love you
I cannot imagine anything else
I love you
crazy
I soon need a mental institution

One hour ago coming back from another evening in the city: a theatre performance.
Was well done, but does not matter.
What I want to write is:
the era of the influence from the holiday trip over New Year is over.
Always when I think about it, a bitter feeling comes up.
I love her despite of that.
Even though she has not yet written a response letter.
I am still expecting it.
She has now a different hair do, obviously wants to forget everything.
Maybe I write now for the last time: Bee, I love you.
And slowly I will also retreat from C, into the desolate solitude.
Because I can try as hard as I can: but I do not love her.

Desperation is Relative

I am glad that it is over.
I bent it, stretched it, and it broke.
Did not apply the right pressure, obviously.
Am still not believing that I actually did it. Never before have I done such a thing... I am kind of proud actually. Well, it failed. But I feel that I can now do anything, that nothing could scare me.

I have to talk myself up. Because there is this vast inner emptiness in me, which can make me implode, if I do not keep up the pressure.

But today I learned that desperation and misery in life means different things for different people. When going with my friend to school this morning, as classes resumed on Ash Wednesday (yes, finally this horrible Mardi Gras is over), he told me that this past Sunday his father had a brain stroke. One half of his body is paralyzed, he cannot talk, cannot walk. My friend was desperate, but calm. I felt ashamed about my own egotistical whining related to my "great love" and the unjustice that I felt suffering, but my friend's real misery showed me how pathetic my own little problems were. All members of my family are fine, I am healthy, no problems. Just the imagined ones in the mind. Suddenly all of my story did not look that important anymore, as I tried to give him some consolation.

This just demonstrated to me the unfairness of live. I was in a bad mood the whole day. Not because of yesterday, but because of my friend.

Decision done

Now I know it.
She did not come to the meeting.
But I still am keeping a little back door open:
it could be that she got the letter too late.
But that must not influence me, because this has the probability of 10%.
Good. C, I will come to you.

not much time left

Only 1/2 hour left.
I will go now.

The countdown is running since a while. Another 45 minutes left. Then I will be at the place where I said I would be, and will wait for her. For one whole hour.
What will she do?
Will she come?
And if so, how will she react?
"Man, you are an idiot" ?
Or will everything turn out well?
2% probability for that it turns out well.
Ok, I am afraid.
Inexplainable.
Not so much of what will happen later, but just of her reaction when reading the letter.
Will her parents get it into their hands?
Will she tear it apart?
Will she receive it in time?

This afternoon and evening I was so anxious.
I went with friends to that "ball", more like a huge party, with dancing, costumes, to celebrate Carneval, Mardi Gras, or whatever one may call this crazy season.

I hate it. Was completely absent minded.
She was not there. She does not yet know what is waiting tomorrow in the letter box for her...
Do I regret having sent this letter?
No. I need clarification. And since I never can talk to her, since I am so shy, so reluctant, so inhibited, the letter was the only way. But I feel quite embarrassed... have never done anything like this in my life before.

Yes, I wrote a Letter

The winter holiday trip moves into the far past. Was just 2 months ago.
Today for the first time this year there is in the air such a smell of spring.
So wet, humid, fresh, so warm.

I have written Bee a letter. When I came back from the disastrously devastating visit this morning, I ran to my desk, took out a piece of paper, and began to write. Directly from the heart. I wrote her "I love you". Yes, I wrote it. I was almost in a trance, did not allow andy resonable thought enter my brain and mind. I kept writing. Then put it into an envelope, drove to the post office, bought a stamp, and put it into the mailbox. I felt some reasoning that tried to keep me back. But I surpressed it.

Once the letter was gone, I let my reason come back. And I wanted to get the letter out again, hold it back. Too late, and I am glad for it.

I wrote to her that I want to meet her. I told the place and the time. No more coming to her home, where the embarrassing moments with her mother could be, or with R who would be waiting in the back, with his motorcycle. I chose a neutral place, in the middle of the town, in the open.

I was extreme, I want the decision. Either she is swayed by this, or she is not. In the latter case, I will finally have clarity. I will then move on.

What have I done?

o no, o no, o no!
I think the carneval bug has bitten me.
I have done something crazy...
... I have just mailed a letter to her
With everything.
o no, o no, o no!

Tomorrow, 2pm, there will be a decision for tne next week
yes or no
finally I may play the switch setter, finally I am the referee.

But what I have experienced this morning, was horrible.
I went to her, as I had planned. Not sure what I wanted to tell her, well, probably everything.
A little silver motor cycle outside her home. That is the one of R...
Her mother opens the door, calls Bee.
But Bee does not want to come. I hear them argue.
Hear her say "... he is out of his mind! He is crazy!"
Her mother manages to get her out.
So there she is, and with a honey-sweet voice she flutes that today I cannot stay very long.
Yes, I know, Bee, you are cruel.

I wanted to tell you, that I love you, but in that situation I was unable to do so.

So I wrote you the letter!
Only now it dawns on me what I have done with this. oh god, oh god, oh god!

Tomorrow, 2pm, decision.

Music gives Consolation

The next two days are off, we do not have classes. Most people enjoy the carneval activities, but I am smoldering in my own malaise.
Well, I have all the time in the world tomorrow!
Today I did something useful: I sorted my documents and stuff, and put new labels on the binders. Nothing exciting, but at least I will be able to find things.

Recently I have listened a lot to music on the radio. Usually at night, after 22:00. I am lucky to live in an area where I can receive several local FM stations with classical music. This month they celebrate the 100 birthday of Bela Bartok, one of my favourite composers. I have a whole schedule of the broadcasts, will record a lot of tapes.

It seems that only classical music can calm me down, can give me hope. Especially the music of "newer" composers like Bartok. The dissonances actually give me consolation, give me the assurance that I am not the only one who is suffering, and that things will eventually get sorted out and end well. So I hope at least... I am looking forward to the radio programmes this month. Last year I taped Bartok's First Rhapsody, and that piece brought to me his sound world. A few years earlier I had no connection to his music, I found the piano pieces which I was given as assignent by my music teacher white boring and dissonant, could not relate to them. But since I heard a few of his orchestral pieces, I am a great fan of his music. A few months ago I even played the Allegro Barbaro.

Failed - but I give not up!

So, now is the first half of this book filled.
Filled with my life, my feelings, success and failure,
happiness, and a lot of bad luck.
How will the 2nd half look?
What else will be in this book?
Summer '81.
The switches have been set, but still can be changed.
Nothing is reliable.
Everything is moving.
Tomorrow I will visit Bee.
That is my contribution to switch setting.
The rest is done by god and by the other people.
Now turn the book by 180 deg - and keep on reading.

(turning the book, as I now will write on the back side of the pages)

everybody there?
good.
It continues.
Today is the Sunday before carneval.
I nerd am sitting here and listening to the radio.
The parents have noticed something, yesterday, after my misfortnuate attempt to see her.
I went there to the school where the bus was supposed to arrive, was pretending to fix something at my bicycle, then suddenly the teacher appeared which had accompanied them! They are already back, had arrived two hours earlier!
Bad luck.

It is quite funny how the parents try to consolate me! I have not told them anything, nor am I going to, but my sad face obviously speaks the truth out.
They understand some things, but they give so smart and diplomatic advice which I cannot adhere.
"see, that is how they are, the bitches"
"that is why you should not get involved"
"I would show them, I would only once let this happen!"

Well meant, but they do not know how I feel.
Bee, I love you!
Tomorrow I will come to you.
Hopefully C will not call...
Oh my god, what am I doing?
I feel sorry for her
But no matter what, tomorrow I drive to Bee.
I love you!