Back from holiday

I am back from the holiday trip, since a few days. Am still recovering from what has been the most significant emotional roller coaster ride in my life so far. Not sure how I can handle this in the next days, weeks to come. The whole trip was only 12 days, but it has changed my life. I feel that I am a different person now. My low blood pressure is no more low. During those 12 days I have been constantly agitated, had been excited, full of energy.

And all was in vain. She is now going out with friends, without me. I am devastated. Well, now it is time to turn the attention to my term paper. It was given many months ago, and I had done nothing. Now is the time to forget about her and to focus on work.

But I cannot focus, I am still shaken. It is just a few days ago that I have done something that I thought I was not able to do: I actually told her. Yes, I told B about my feelings for her. For the first time in my life I did this, telling a girl that I like her. I must be actually proud of myself... but I am not, because I have then shattered all hopes, with my jealeousy, and my stupid pathetic non-acting towards C. Unbelievable... someone up there must have a good laugh. But I am done with "up there". No more praying. No more turn-the-left-cheek when the right one is hit...

She is out with friends today, and I am not there. A is also there, and C. I refused to go, out of principle. But what principle? Am I stupid or what? Which principle am I following here?

I do not know what to do, I need some rest. This holiday will remain in my memory forever. I am still digesting...