Desperation - Collapse

God, I still love her!
Was just in the bathroom, cried bitterly.
Everything is over. She did not even want to give me the money for the photographs personally, her friend handed it to me.
No!
I cannot stop crying. I just love her.
A terrible evening tonight.
When meeting our gang, nothing was going on. A few of us tried to go to a pub, but they were closed. so we went to Alex, having some informal dinner. I came back late: 1:15 night. The parents were angry and upset, as they had been worried.
Shit evening.

I love her. The next 3 months are already programmed: constant crying, then C's desperate attempts, then again short revival episodes full of cheerfulness.
I love you. Even my ability to write is slowly fading away, my handwriting gets weaker and unreadable.
I love you
when you look at me, I have to look away
I love you
you look firm, but also most times you look away.
I love you
I must not see you anymore, as I have promised in my letter
I love you
I love you in vain
alone, I am isolating myself
either you or nobody.
so it is nobory.
I love you
I love you
so desperate as I am now I have felt since a long time
In the recent days I was strongly suicidal.
I love you
that is because I have recently done too many short-circuit actions, and I have learnt to switch off my conscious guiding and preventing.
I can switch off my conscience and can act short-circuit. Only a stupid thought needs to enter my mind, and I will lie smashed under the truck,
or dead the square down after a jump from the 3rd floor,
or in our high school
I love you
there is no other way for me
I love you
I cannot imagine anything else
I love you
crazy
I soon need a mental institution