Relieved

The optimal solution has occurred.

So:
Ch joined, and Bee and St stayed at home. Well done, right?

Well, was ok, at least I could not do anything wrong.
But for me it is clear: everything is still open.

I am now a tumbler. Nothing will make me deviate from my goal.




And so I was able to enjoy the Mozartfest 1981. Not as I had hoped for, but I decided to play along and at least be a good company to Ch.
And I did enjoy the music. Is now for the third time that I had this opportunity to go to this open air concert with my friends. And this time it will be the last time. Next year around this time I will be already out of school. So no more Mozartfest, probably for a few years.

Challenging situation

It is a challenge.
A challenge of god to myself, if I am strong enough , if I am ready to sacrifice something.
Because everything runs counter to my efforts.

The weather is good (unfortunately). Means we are going.

Only a few will be there with us.
Ch has received the card I sent. (unfortunately)
St does not drive with his car, means we all fit into the VW bus. Means under one roof together with Ch and Bee. That cannot be good (unfortunately).

So what shall I do?
If I only knew...
I will talk with Bee, about her holiday.
Will try to sit next to Bee.

BTW, also the VW bus is new. The old one had a damage in the transmission.
New, like so many things... The old only remains in memory.
The tortures in it...

I am afraid of tonight. I do not yet know how my challenge will be. I do not know how I shall behave.

I love you Bee. And with this in mind I will act.

Dilemma

Since 1/2 hour I am angry.
Ch called me. She wants to go to the Mozart festival tomorrow.
Now I am again in a dilemma. But I have the power to correct everything.

I could just go with the first group. Could avoid meeting her then later.
And her again I have to make a decision, like 1-2 year ago: the choice between two humans.
The choice which human I am going to make unhappy.
I guess this time it will hit Ch.

A new direction

I am completely calm.
I think I am balanced now.

I love her, and I am glad.
Will have to work hard, to make it good.
Am doubting the doubts about god;

Continuously I do have Janacek's string quartet #2 in my mind. Is at this point my favorite music.

Let's see.

BTW, I gave her a little stone yesterday. Rose quartz.

Made a mistake?

Today...
now I did have done something wrong.
I did not write her a card and was happy with that, happy that I have been separated myself from her so well.

I do not understand anything anymore. Maybe there is god? Did he listen to my crying yesterday and my desperation?

How did I make up my mind, when I considered my actions in the past?
Better use chances, better be alert, just act smart...

Today was a day.
In the morning I was frustrated. Got only 5 of 15 points in Religion. And then Uta asked in front of the whole class outrageously, if I had a girl friend.
I smiled cool. Externally.
But internally I was a volcano. And all that because of Ch!
She was it with whom I had been sitting outside, with whom I had talked...
but thank god I only saw her very briefly yesterday. She thanked for the card, then done.
Today I avoided any contact with her, I always avoided meeting her. Good. With a slightly bad conscience.

In history today 13 of 15 points. Good, makes me forget the the 5 points earlier.
And then in sports - 15 points, with a superhuman effort. And then again 9-10 points. Madness.

But the happiest, most embarrassing, most terrible... I got a card form Bee!
I jumped to the ceiling out of shame. And I had written none, out of spite. What will I do now?

You will see!

In the middle

Here, with this entry, the center of the book, the turning point, has been reached.
Because here half a year has passed, when you turn the book 180 deg (see other page, which corresponds to the time at the ski holiday).

Yesterday I read all my entries from the past half year. For the first time. I was moved.
So much life, captures in a partially unreadable handwriting. Just phantastic.

Here my nihilistic view of the world is confirmed: god does nothing. Maybe he does exist, but he lets everything happen.

Yesterday we returned from the brief holiday. Quite nice, just like here. Tourism.
But a beautiful forest. I did write Bee no card. To St and Ch I write a card. Again a step away.

In recent days I was terribly unhappy. Maybe a low of the biorhythm?
I believe I still love her.
That would be a new record.
Last year it was only 5 months!

I am really happy that I have not seen Ch during the whole holidays. Her Easter present had dried up, MA threw it out.
Good.

Because all the world is so bad to me, I have decided to be bad as well. I will trat all humans badly, will be unjust, mad. Exactly!

Only the past...

I am hanging in the past.
The whole time recently I have thought about December 1980.
The happiest time of my life so far: 8 Dec - 12 Dec. Only buoyancy, increase.

To live in the past is the best. The past we have in our hands.
We can manipulate it, change it, whitewash it. It always was better than the present.

The present is cruel, not at all according to our wishes and imaginations.

The future is not in our hand. Only the past offers the possibility of reflection.
"unshaved mandarin shavings"
Oh no, not again!

An upcoming break

9 Dec. "well, there he is!"
Joy, during the break, they are happy to see me, to talk to me.

what about all this stupid rethinking of the past?
It is pointless. The future is ahead of me!
Fortunately now in the next 2 weeks of holiday I will not see Ch. I cannot stand those torturous minutes anymore.
I am not seeing anyone for the whole 2 weeks.
Simply just gone.

6 months ago

1/2 year ago, exactly 6 months.
Now in June the weekdays fall onto the same numbers as back in December!
Beginning of December...still completely all about stupidity, piano playing, Bartok, parents' evening, not-yet-knowing-where-to,
On Sunday, 7 December, there was the great becoming aware of what the coming ski holiday would mean, fear, pain, desperation, without any way out.
then on Monday, the inner conflict was very large. In the 6th hour there was physics. friction coefficient, on ice, slippy concrete, paving stones. Calculate the corresponding friction force!
On the heating radiator which has now been torn down.
That week was serious!
8 Dec, 9 Dec, 10 Dec.

The new construction, a last time R, short desperation, I do not know what is happening, we are moving away,
"I have to show you something, just come with me"
heatinc cellar, but mechanics are inside!
Funny, fast moving on, going through the whole newly built track. Eating egg bread. Shaken egg, funny, hilarious, laughter, liberating, "you HAVE to come with us to the ski holiday!"
"you are so funny" "you will tutor us there"

Well, yes, everything gone, only sentimental memories remain.
This my writing in this book only shows the inner impressions so incomplete, that it must not be considered as a source for my youth. For that it is too biased...

Thursday, 11 Dec. urgent pressing "you HAVE to come with us, we will force you"

I am finally happy.
Not on the path I had originally chosen (R), but in general.
With large overcoming of my inner hurdles I start to convince my parents. I succeed with very little effort. Hoorray! I will go to the ski holiday! I am allowed to joint htem. I amk so happy.

In a big rush everything is being arranged last minute.

Friday, 12 Dec. I tell them that I am joining them. Happy, joyful, cheerful.

... a dark veil lies between the past and the present.

Memories...

Recently I often have memories of that past winter holiday in my mind. What was that then actually?
A taste of sparkling wine, of punch.
Joy, bitterness, desperation, love, snow, cold, sun, ski, songs, coziness, restlessness, tears, in vain.
Nihilism, chocolate, pictures, all of that is that winter holiday; and still a bit more.
strange looks, variability, sudden change, playing games, cereal, the picture of the passion of Christ, the Jesus mosaic, the breaking away from god, the cemetery, the night, the desperate outbreak of tears, crying, sobbing.

Consolation, all that.
Changing into ski clothes, the two ski pants, the heating room for drying, the classes, the toilet, loneliness.

The skiing area: lonely hills, wide slopes, alone, loneliness, all that.

A, hatred, consuming hatred, indifference.
Tutoring, gummi bears, all that,
cut finger, with band aid from H, rented skis, afraid of having to return them.
day tickets for the ski area, a hurt behind from falling down, snow storm, lots of snow, all that;

gone, past, history, era, caesura, and now?

one-sided love; i cannot stand it anymore, it progresses unstoppably on, even though I hold back as much as possible. I do not do anything!
Love on my side? A little, of course one-sided.
But I do not understand anything anymore.

Why has May 2nd not brought a change? At noon everything had been still fine... but in the evening nothing...

Hopefully I am terminally ill, then I will be very glad when they cry! I imagine their desperate faces, how they ask themselves "what have I done wrong?"

But I am being loved! That is the problem.
If I would be "free", I could play "chauvi", would never fall in love, would flirt with every girl.
Yes, yes, that is how things are now. I still have that sting in my chest. But unfortunately it is nothing lethal. Really a pity!