Probabilities: very low

Slowly I get it where it is going.
Unfortunately!
Always when during school break I talk with C, then sometimes I have something to talk about, but most times I do not know what we could talk about. Always about school! Teachers! Other boring stuff, but not about anything really important.
Well, it will probably slowly end, will get more and more shallow.
Maybe a few more monthly trips to the theatre, but then it will be over.
And then I will be free. And empty.
But it could also turn out differently: the trips to the theatre!
They could cause a getting closer wtih her.
But currently it steers downward.
Today I have not seen her at all, have not talked with her. A bad sign!

And what is with Bee?
How till it continue there?
Not at all! I am completely sure!
I will visit her, will give her a present, and then?
Nothing will change!
Maybe the climate between us will get a little better, but otherwise nothing.
Of course here is also an alternative, a dream possibility:
she gives up the guy with whom she is now (or has given him up already and is just waiting for me!) and embraces me! Yes, that would be the solution.
Probability: 0.0001%
But I have acepted that already, it is very clear to me, and I am not expecting this from her. I will have to work hard, to get back with the gang, will be silent and serious for a while, will sometimes cry, as long as it takes, until I suffocate everything and step on it and extinquish it, like at the beginning of this book. Then the circle is closed.
So, now think what you will give Bee's girlfriend! It must be something original, not the same thing that you gave to Bee!
Something new, funny, beautiful.
Well, will see.
Salve!
Take care!

The Circle Comes to a Close

Hello, it's me.
Yes, it seeems as if slowly the long quiet break comes to an end. The circle will come to a close.
2.March - 2.May, two months rest.
well, the last week not so much, there were again some internal storms in the heart.
I have a plan, for Saturday, 2.May. I will drive to her, give her a present and will turn everything around.
I will bring back to my friend Andrew the slide pictures of which I made duplicates. Pictures of thepast few years, once not taken by me but by someone else, with someone else's eyes. My youth. Seen from an external, objective viewpoint.

When I had last Saturday this idea, to visit Bee next week, I got in such a good mood that I felt happy for a few days

Neverending feelings...

So what has happened?
It was during the Easter Sunday mass. Our whole gang was in the chorus. Everybody was there, C who gave me that nice Easter nest, and also Bee. She looked pale, somehow tired. I began to feel some worries for her, some pity. But did not speak to her - we have not spoke in weeks.
During the service, Bee fainted. Her parents took her home.
I got worried so much for her. And that was when I noticed that all my surpressed feelings for Bee were there again. Nothing had changed. And I got really mad, after realizing that there was nothing that I could do against those feelings. And even worse, that there was nothing to make those feelings real, to have a love relationship with Bee. No chance!
And so I continue my desperation. Not sure how it will end, I do not see any light anymore. The tunnel seems to be endless...

And it begins again...!

Now, after a long time of quiet, the horror again begins! I am getting crazy!
I still live her! SHIT!
I thought that I have gotten rid of this love. But it starts all over again.
Or maybe I have an imaginary image of her in me, something that I just imagine about her, like one year ago? Very likely.
But how and when will I get rid of this imaginary dream image?
It prevents me from living, it ruins everything,
oh, I could cry now, so much do I love her! CRAZY!
At this moment I would like to kill myself. Erase everything with it.
It cannot be - I am really mad at myself that everything starts now all over again.

Eastersunday

After a long writing pause I take again this booklet and continue to make entries where I stopped. I am still alive, it goes on, I am cooler, disillusioned, weak, cowardly, but I am writing again in this book.
March was a silent month. In contrast to last year. Sometimes I was thinking about the past, about what happened exactly a year ago. But only sometimes. It all seems to be so far in the past. Much closer is the more recent past, the winter trip etc.
Yes, even I should be over it, I am still often thinking about it. Cannot cry anymore, even though I tried it recently sometimes.
I am empty.
Nothing has changed.
My "letter", the catastrophy, gone, done, end.
But not yet completely, only from 21.March, the evening hiking.
Then it was finally over, out, gone.
New hope, but it does not really ignite with me. Just rarely in a few moments: concerts, theatre, walks, all that should touch me and move me. But it does not.
I do not love C.
Cannot do anything about it.
But I must try!

Yes, this is how a live.
Even got a present from her, a Easter nest. Made me happy. She loves me. What a pity for her.
(I am mean, I know. I try to hide it...)
I am in love with nobody now anymore, maybe except with myself.
The consequences of the winter trip are even more significant than those of April 1980.
Well, in the coming summer, at the meditation course, I should get cured again. Am looking forward to playing the organ!
So, now I will continue the writing tradition.
Hope I will soon be better!

Easter break

Finally two weeks off. A little bicycle tour today. Over the weekend it was 30 C. Quiet unusual for April.

Beautiful clouds

At the sky there were beautiful clouds today.
One thing that changed me in these past few months is that I appreciate little things much more. I can be so happy when a little ray of sun hits my face. Just like that.
Not much more needed. And I see that why most other people are upset, is just plain bullshit. I have been upset for a very good reason. I jumped over my own shadow. And I failed. I did not win the girl with whom I fell in love. And that was a torturous experience.
Now this suffering made me more stable.
I feel that I had been completely torn into pieces. Like a vase, or a brick building. All the broken parts of me were lying around. I began to collect them one by one, and rebuilt myself. Stronger, more resistant. Not more capable, I am still the same stupid idiot which I had been. But I am now an idiot with an attitude. I have pride again. I am slowly raising from the ashes. Feels good.
Comes with the reawakening of nature: spring is nice.
I always liked actually autumn, when everything is dying. Those beautiful autumn colors on the trees.
But now I enjoy the spring bloom, and the first April heat wave.

Financial difficulties

I do not know what it is, but lately I am constantly in financial trouble. Of course, because I go to school, I do not earn any money and just have to beg my parents (my father) for a regular pocket money allowance. I am quite modest, but I do have lots of expenses: the empty cassette tapes for recording music, the lunch snacks at school, and today came the "Global 2000" report which I had ordered: a report for the US president, about the limited supply of natural resources. Not sure if president Reagan will read it and follow its recommendations...
Seems quite hot today, 26 C.

Season changes

The first trees are blooming!
A wonderful site, when I look out of my window and see those white little flowers on the apple trees.

Nice music concert

Music keeps me alive. Today a nice live concert. Enjoyed it very much.
Yesterday I bought a new stand for my bicycle; the old one had broken a while ago.
I drew a plan of a house design. Maybe I should become an architect?
Yesterday afternoon I was walking with C. She is very nice to talk to. Knows a lot, has many interests which I too share. Had a lot of ice cream.

No fasting anymore

Currently I am thinking what to do: should I eat from the chocolate which lies there so tempting in the desk drawer?

I have an appetite for it.

Or not?

But the matter here is someting fundamental: does lent make sense?

Last year I have fasted quite a long time, and afterwards I did not feel satisfied.

This custom is something for small children, but for me there is no satisfaction about the scrifice or something.

My feeeling and my mood is determined by other factors.

So, fasting is senseless.

For 4 weeks I have not touched any chocolate. Now I am fed up. I break through the wall.

4 weeks ago was the turn, the downfall.

Now I am eating the chocolate.

But also then I do not feel satisfied. But the satisfaction afterwards, if I would not eat now, is to small compared to the sice of the sacrifice.

Ok, bon appetite!