Day 6.

We are getting up late, around 9am. Everybody seems to have a bit of a hang-over from yesterday night. Outside the weather is getting warm, the snow is melting. I have a headache. Still want to go skiing.

At the breakfast B is sitting again next to A. Maybe I will finally get it!

Not an ideal skiing weather today, only four of us are going. The snow is melting away, is wet and heavy. A few rides down that slope where we had not yet been in the past days. But it is too warm, we are back in the lodge for lunch.

I am again scheduling a tutor session for St and B, as agreed with their parents. But B wants that A stays for our tutoring session. Fortunately he goes. I am very mad, upset with B, but I do not show it. B sits across from me. No more leaning or touching as it had been two days earlier. St sits next to me. I explain mathematics. I also hand out gummi bears which I bought yesterday.

We finish the tutoring lecture after a while, and B immediately runs to A, stating how glad she is that this is over. St looks at me. Maybe I need to re-adjust my dreams...

I am desperate. This is now the new year 1981 for which I had so much hope. My dream, my love for B, is being shattered by her. I am locking myself in the bathroom, cry. I watch my face in the mirror while crying. Have never done that before. Looks certainly interesting.

After dinner I have the usual boredom with all the "activities" that are done in the communal room. Discussions, games, singing. I take my coat and go out. It is snowing with big flakes. I do enjoy the snow, at least some consolation. Then I decide to make my idea from yesterday come true: I am going to the cemetery. Nobody is there, my footprints in the fresh snow are the only ones. Silence. Finally. Little red lights on the graves. A large wooden cross, I stop. I am not praying, but I am meditating. Let some tears flow. Tell my story, hope for some empathy from the dead. I keep walking between the graves, look at the names, and I greet them friendly. I wish some ghosts would come out, and I would talk to them.

After 45 minutes I go back. I do feel better.

But nothing has changed... B kept joking with A, and his girlfriend M looked very jealously. St kept talking to me, and I feel bad that I do not feel anything for her.

I want to talk to B. I have already done many things during this holiday which exceeded everything that I had done ever before. So I should move forward with the same spirit. I decide to talk to her. Maybe tomorrow.