Day 10.

During the whole day I was looking for opportunities to be close to B and to be alone with her, so that I could tell her. But constantly someone is there nearby. I cannot do this when there are witnesses. I feel shy as it is, and I do not want to make myself the laughing stock of the whole group. Although I already think that I am, they all must have noticed my efforts-in-vain.

After this day there will only be one more skiing day. Melancholy sets in. I already realise that in these past days I have overcome many obstacles, have moved forward to where I never have been. So I will be a "normal" person afterall, not the shy inhibited boy which I had been in these past years. There is no such thing as destiny. Everybody can change, can master their destiny. It takes a lot of effort, and I am not there yet. But I will be, I am confident of this.

I am humming music all day during skiing. The slopes are very icy, it is not very pleasant. Sharp ice crystals blow into the face when skiing downhill, hurting in the face. B is not with A anymore, which makes me very happy. But I am not able to manage one single lift ride with her. I notice that she again evades me. So what was yesterday? Again everything only an empty theatre?

I need to tell her, urgently. I need to say that I like her very much. I better keep the "love" word for later. It sounds too heavy, although that is what I am feeling.

In the evening a slight depression sets in. The holiday is almost over. And no results. Even though I have tried very hard, have overcome my own inner wall, have gone beyond my previous limitations. I am a different person now. But with what results? None. No success at all. It was a roller-coaster ride as never ever before in my life. Never had I in such a compressed time period so many different emotions, both positive and negative. I have suffered, and I have enjoyed. But I also have realised that there are many things out of my control. No matter what I do, there is no positive effect.

I have not yet accepted this. I tried today the whole day, but apparently I need to be more persistent. Tomorrow is the very last day when this is possible. I will try.