Day 7.

Everything seems to be already so bogged down, so inflexible. B is constantly near A, St is close to me, everything appears to be already fixed and unchangeable. My desperation about this situation I try to manage with music: in my head I hear melodies, chords which express my feelings. I sometimes even write them down. When skiing, I move down in the rhythm of imagined music. I always ski now alone.

B is between M and A now. I see them skiing together, and I only can laugh with hollowness. One time today I met A, and he made a remark which I have not yet digested: "I thank you for your goodness". What does that mean? When was I good? Maybe he meant to thank me for my idiotism, for my phlegmatism, for my non-knowing-how-to-act-with-B. My anger rises. What does he know? Does he know I am in love with B?

I am skiing further, alone, bitter. At one point I meet them again, and then I manage to go into the lift with B. I dare to ask her "B, can you tell me what is the matter?" Not more, but also not less. But she just says "what do you mean?" I dare not to ask further. I should have. Why did I not ask her directly why she is always going with A? And why did I not tell her that I am in love with her? Well, I have no idea how to tell this... I thought she would know and feel it.

Next time I go with St in the ski lift, then I ask her what is the matter? Maybe I should have been more specific, I do only get the answer "I really do not know". So no real talk.

I do not care anymore. It does not matter. I give up.