Day 9.

Yesterday night I had given up, had resigned. No more hoping, no more trying to woo B. But after waking up this morning, I felt a new wave of optimism, that I would be able to turn things around.

We have a break with skiing today. A pity, I would have liked to go, but if nobody else is going, how would I come to the skiing area? Need at least a driver to bring me there. So I also stay.

Sunday warship service. This is again one of the possible opportunities. I do look constantly at B. And I notice that B constantly looks at A. During the peace greeting we only shake very briefly the hand. No opportunity to hug B. She walks by fast.

During lunch I act more strategically: I wait until B has sat down, then I join her on the seat next to her. A brilliant maneuver. But not very much appreciated by her, she looks angry. To loosen up the situation I begin teasing her, take away a potato from her plate. That was not good: she gets up, takes her plate, takes another seat. I sit there, embarrassed. Apparently she has lost her sense of humour.

Another math tutoring session, with her and St. They both wish each other good luck, again I do not understand. When will I be able to decode girls' behavior? I explain some math problems. Then B says "do not play so angry". Then she leaves the room, says it is only for a short while. But she does not come back. I am alone with St. I explain her, she is eager to listen. But then I also stop the lesson earlier.

For dinner, St takes the seat next to me. I do understand now. This is going against all my dreams. What should I do? Give up my dream? Or take advantage of this opportunity? St is pretty, smart, funny. Actually a real catch. And in contrast to B she really likes me. If I were a reasonable boy, I would be with her. But it seems I am not reasonable. There is no resonance with her. I like her, but not more. With B I am in love, all my thoughts and feelings the whole day are for her. This is just so much different. I could not force myself to have the same feelings for St, it just does not work. Or maybe these feelings would come later? After one has gotten to know each other better? I do not want to pretend to her anything...

I do not know, I am desperate. Maybe my friends, the dead on the cemetery, can give me some advice. In a quiet moment, without the others noticing, I go out again. It is wonderful there. Silence, standing in front of that large wooden cross, thinking, talking in my thoughts, explaining. Reflecting. Snow on the graves, little red lights shine. After I return, I go again to the toilet, let my tears flow, then wipe them off, so that I look presentable. In the communal room is singing. Those songs which have accompanied me during the past 2 1/2 years, every Saturday evening. We had good times, it is a nice group of young people, I do enjoy their company. But now I wish I were alone.

Then, at 9:30pm sudden uprise: B and St run into the house, they had been outside. B runs towards me, hugs me, presses herself onto me. I do not know what is going on. She says "take your camera, quickly! You need to take a picture of this". Ok, ok, so I grab my camera, happy about the positive attention that I suddenly am getting from her. "A and M are making out! Quickly, take a picture!". I see A and M standing together, in a dark corner outside the lodge. I feel suddenly very good. Not sure if I should take a picture of them. I feel happy for him and M., and of course happy that B now finally has realised that her aspirations for A are in vain. So she turned to me!

I am so happy. I take a picture, but from far away. I do not want to disturb them. He is my friend after all.

It begins to snow. Thick flakes. Wonderful, my favourite weather. A bit later I sneak out, to the cemetery, to tell the dead about the positive turn. And to thank them for their support, their open ear. (as if they had a choice....)

I am happy. This is the most happy day during this holiday, and I am optimistic again for the remaining 3 days. Tomorrow I will gather all my courage and tell B that I am in love with her. I believe that there is hope.