Day 10.

During the whole day I was looking for opportunities to be close to B and to be alone with her, so that I could tell her. But constantly someone is there nearby. I cannot do this when there are witnesses. I feel shy as it is, and I do not want to make myself the laughing stock of the whole group. Although I already think that I am, they all must have noticed my efforts-in-vain.

After this day there will only be one more skiing day. Melancholy sets in. I already realise that in these past days I have overcome many obstacles, have moved forward to where I never have been. So I will be a "normal" person afterall, not the shy inhibited boy which I had been in these past years. There is no such thing as destiny. Everybody can change, can master their destiny. It takes a lot of effort, and I am not there yet. But I will be, I am confident of this.

I am humming music all day during skiing. The slopes are very icy, it is not very pleasant. Sharp ice crystals blow into the face when skiing downhill, hurting in the face. B is not with A anymore, which makes me very happy. But I am not able to manage one single lift ride with her. I notice that she again evades me. So what was yesterday? Again everything only an empty theatre?

I need to tell her, urgently. I need to say that I like her very much. I better keep the "love" word for later. It sounds too heavy, although that is what I am feeling.

In the evening a slight depression sets in. The holiday is almost over. And no results. Even though I have tried very hard, have overcome my own inner wall, have gone beyond my previous limitations. I am a different person now. But with what results? None. No success at all. It was a roller-coaster ride as never ever before in my life. Never had I in such a compressed time period so many different emotions, both positive and negative. I have suffered, and I have enjoyed. But I also have realised that there are many things out of my control. No matter what I do, there is no positive effect.

I have not yet accepted this. I tried today the whole day, but apparently I need to be more persistent. Tomorrow is the very last day when this is possible. I will try.

Day 9.

Yesterday night I had given up, had resigned. No more hoping, no more trying to woo B. But after waking up this morning, I felt a new wave of optimism, that I would be able to turn things around.

We have a break with skiing today. A pity, I would have liked to go, but if nobody else is going, how would I come to the skiing area? Need at least a driver to bring me there. So I also stay.

Sunday warship service. This is again one of the possible opportunities. I do look constantly at B. And I notice that B constantly looks at A. During the peace greeting we only shake very briefly the hand. No opportunity to hug B. She walks by fast.

During lunch I act more strategically: I wait until B has sat down, then I join her on the seat next to her. A brilliant maneuver. But not very much appreciated by her, she looks angry. To loosen up the situation I begin teasing her, take away a potato from her plate. That was not good: she gets up, takes her plate, takes another seat. I sit there, embarrassed. Apparently she has lost her sense of humour.

Another math tutoring session, with her and St. They both wish each other good luck, again I do not understand. When will I be able to decode girls' behavior? I explain some math problems. Then B says "do not play so angry". Then she leaves the room, says it is only for a short while. But she does not come back. I am alone with St. I explain her, she is eager to listen. But then I also stop the lesson earlier.

For dinner, St takes the seat next to me. I do understand now. This is going against all my dreams. What should I do? Give up my dream? Or take advantage of this opportunity? St is pretty, smart, funny. Actually a real catch. And in contrast to B she really likes me. If I were a reasonable boy, I would be with her. But it seems I am not reasonable. There is no resonance with her. I like her, but not more. With B I am in love, all my thoughts and feelings the whole day are for her. This is just so much different. I could not force myself to have the same feelings for St, it just does not work. Or maybe these feelings would come later? After one has gotten to know each other better? I do not want to pretend to her anything...

I do not know, I am desperate. Maybe my friends, the dead on the cemetery, can give me some advice. In a quiet moment, without the others noticing, I go out again. It is wonderful there. Silence, standing in front of that large wooden cross, thinking, talking in my thoughts, explaining. Reflecting. Snow on the graves, little red lights shine. After I return, I go again to the toilet, let my tears flow, then wipe them off, so that I look presentable. In the communal room is singing. Those songs which have accompanied me during the past 2 1/2 years, every Saturday evening. We had good times, it is a nice group of young people, I do enjoy their company. But now I wish I were alone.

Then, at 9:30pm sudden uprise: B and St run into the house, they had been outside. B runs towards me, hugs me, presses herself onto me. I do not know what is going on. She says "take your camera, quickly! You need to take a picture of this". Ok, ok, so I grab my camera, happy about the positive attention that I suddenly am getting from her. "A and M are making out! Quickly, take a picture!". I see A and M standing together, in a dark corner outside the lodge. I feel suddenly very good. Not sure if I should take a picture of them. I feel happy for him and M., and of course happy that B now finally has realised that her aspirations for A are in vain. So she turned to me!

I am so happy. I take a picture, but from far away. I do not want to disturb them. He is my friend after all.

It begins to snow. Thick flakes. Wonderful, my favourite weather. A bit later I sneak out, to the cemetery, to tell the dead about the positive turn. And to thank them for their support, their open ear. (as if they had a choice....)

I am happy. This is the most happy day during this holiday, and I am optimistic again for the remaining 3 days. Tomorrow I will gather all my courage and tell B that I am in love with her. I believe that there is hope.

Day 8.

Today we went skiing into that neighbouring larger skiing area. I was skiing mostly alone, as B kept staying with A and M. I discover for myself the nice ski slopes in distant valleys. I enjoy the view from the top of the mountains around to other mountains. And I enjoy skiing.

It is not overly sunny but mostly overcast, but the clouds and especially the evening lighting give a special light on the sky. I breath in deeply and enjoy the sights, the view, the motion while skiing.

After dinner I go again to the cemetery. Almost one hour I spend there, in between the graves, and I am crying. Am not ashamed, the dead will understand, they know everything, I do not have to explain.

Again in the lodge I go to the bathroom, have my music notes with me, write down a few chords. I cannot go into the group, they will all see my desperation. Maybe I should take an overdose of headache pills, which one of the guys has in his supplies?

Some fun later in the evening: B is reading aloud to me 100 reasons for committing suicide, from an article she found in a magazine. How fitting! Then I am in A's room, just joking around.

I am giving up on B.

Day 7.

Everything seems to be already so bogged down, so inflexible. B is constantly near A, St is close to me, everything appears to be already fixed and unchangeable. My desperation about this situation I try to manage with music: in my head I hear melodies, chords which express my feelings. I sometimes even write them down. When skiing, I move down in the rhythm of imagined music. I always ski now alone.

B is between M and A now. I see them skiing together, and I only can laugh with hollowness. One time today I met A, and he made a remark which I have not yet digested: "I thank you for your goodness". What does that mean? When was I good? Maybe he meant to thank me for my idiotism, for my phlegmatism, for my non-knowing-how-to-act-with-B. My anger rises. What does he know? Does he know I am in love with B?

I am skiing further, alone, bitter. At one point I meet them again, and then I manage to go into the lift with B. I dare to ask her "B, can you tell me what is the matter?" Not more, but also not less. But she just says "what do you mean?" I dare not to ask further. I should have. Why did I not ask her directly why she is always going with A? And why did I not tell her that I am in love with her? Well, I have no idea how to tell this... I thought she would know and feel it.

Next time I go with St in the ski lift, then I ask her what is the matter? Maybe I should have been more specific, I do only get the answer "I really do not know". So no real talk.

I do not care anymore. It does not matter. I give up.

Day 6.

We are getting up late, around 9am. Everybody seems to have a bit of a hang-over from yesterday night. Outside the weather is getting warm, the snow is melting. I have a headache. Still want to go skiing.

At the breakfast B is sitting again next to A. Maybe I will finally get it!

Not an ideal skiing weather today, only four of us are going. The snow is melting away, is wet and heavy. A few rides down that slope where we had not yet been in the past days. But it is too warm, we are back in the lodge for lunch.

I am again scheduling a tutor session for St and B, as agreed with their parents. But B wants that A stays for our tutoring session. Fortunately he goes. I am very mad, upset with B, but I do not show it. B sits across from me. No more leaning or touching as it had been two days earlier. St sits next to me. I explain mathematics. I also hand out gummi bears which I bought yesterday.

We finish the tutoring lecture after a while, and B immediately runs to A, stating how glad she is that this is over. St looks at me. Maybe I need to re-adjust my dreams...

I am desperate. This is now the new year 1981 for which I had so much hope. My dream, my love for B, is being shattered by her. I am locking myself in the bathroom, cry. I watch my face in the mirror while crying. Have never done that before. Looks certainly interesting.

After dinner I have the usual boredom with all the "activities" that are done in the communal room. Discussions, games, singing. I take my coat and go out. It is snowing with big flakes. I do enjoy the snow, at least some consolation. Then I decide to make my idea from yesterday come true: I am going to the cemetery. Nobody is there, my footprints in the fresh snow are the only ones. Silence. Finally. Little red lights on the graves. A large wooden cross, I stop. I am not praying, but I am meditating. Let some tears flow. Tell my story, hope for some empathy from the dead. I keep walking between the graves, look at the names, and I greet them friendly. I wish some ghosts would come out, and I would talk to them.

After 45 minutes I go back. I do feel better.

But nothing has changed... B kept joking with A, and his girlfriend M looked very jealously. St kept talking to me, and I feel bad that I do not feel anything for her.

I want to talk to B. I have already done many things during this holiday which exceeded everything that I had done ever before. So I should move forward with the same spirit. I decide to talk to her. Maybe tomorrow.

The Beginning of a New Year

Half an hour before midnight we all went outside, into the cold night. We walk through the snow. I always have enjoyed snow, and still do. But I am a bit pissed that we all are going out together. I had wanted to go to the cemetery, alone, to celebrate the beginning of the New Year in a different way than usual.

But I cannot "escape" when everybody else is around. So I keep with the group. We walk through the snow onto a small hill, from where we can have a look over the valley. New Years firework rockets go up everywhere in the distance.

B is constantly near A, as it has been during the whole day. I am pissed. The day before had been so promising, but now all hope seems to have gone.

Church bells begin to ring, more firework rockets go up, the New Year has begun. Some people in our group light candles.
Good bye, 1980. Welcome, 1981. We all shake hands and wish each other the best wishes for the new year.

Then suddenly a stroke of an idea. I walk towards B, shake her hand, "I wish you a happy new year 1981 with everything what ever you wish", and I hug B and kiss her - on the cheek.

That was something I never had done. Well, I did it back in March on S's birthday. But that was together in the company of my two other friends... Here now in this situation, I was alone. It was my idea, my initiative. Again I had moved forward, had done something I had not done ever before, but something that I plan to do much more often.

B appeared to be confused. But also did show some joy, a smile. I definitely saw that, it was not only wishful thinking.

Nobody else did this, kiss her.

Someone has a bottle of sparkling wine, which is handed around. I take a few large gulps, I do enjoy the taste of Champagne very much. We are walking through the town. I want to walk next to B, but she evades. Either goes faster than me, or slower, deliberately. Was I wrong in my assessment of the situation? I do not understand. The Champagne begins to act in my head.

St comes closer, says "there is nothing you can do. It is pointless". Oh, how much does she know? And what exactly does she mean? I am laughing loud about the jokes which some are making, but my laughter is in reality a hidden crying.

We all go back into the lodge. I sit together with St instead of with B, who is somewhere away in her room. St seems to understand everything, but I understand nothing.